Episode 46: How to Get Relief When Things are Hard

Hello, podcast universe! Welcome to Episode 46 of the 100% Awesome Podcast. I'm April Price and I'm so happy to be with you in your ear, in your head, and with you in spirit here in the podcast universe.

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We're really in it now, aren't we? I, like probably most of you, are participating in the quarantine and staying home as much as possible. Who knew our regular life and our regular schedule was so precious, right? Here at the Price house we are still in limbo and we still haven't quite figured out how to get all the kids home from college. But hopefully we're going to be able to do that soon and all be under one roof together, at least for the foreseeable future.

So here on Monday morning I don't know what life is like for you—if you're healthy and bored or if you're sick and worried, but I send my love and my good wishes to you and yours. I know that whatever you are feeling right now it probably feels challenging. We've never been here before and your human brain has never been here either. It's a lot to process. It's a lot to think about. It's a lot to deal with and I want you to know that you don't have to do it alone. I would love to be able to coach you and help you sort things out and help you feel better.

It's totally normal to have like a million different thoughts right now, a million different even contradictory thoughts, nonsensical, dramatic thoughts racing through your head right now and it's so powerful to be able to dump them all out and take a look at them with a coach. So this morning my brain was telling me it thinks we have about a week left, right? Like left unmanaged, it's a mess in there right?

And I know where you are now that it feels like coaching won't make a difference. I know it seems like your problems and the world's problems are so much bigger right now than any one conversation can fix. But it really can make a world of difference to be able to look at your thoughts and question them and here's why. It's because in the middle of things it's so hard to tell the difference between what's happening and what you're thinking, right, and where that line is. And so then it makes it really easy to attribute all the things we're thinking and feeling to what's happening outside of us, to all these things that are out of our control. And this is where coaching can help you.

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Like if you feel terrible because of what's happening then you're stuck because you have no control over that. But if you feel terrible because of your thoughts then there's a way out, right? There's a way out of feeling terrible and this is what I'm offering you—a way out. So sign up for a session and I'll help you. As you know you can just get on my website, aprilpricecoaching.com and sign up for a free session. I added lots more slots this week to my calendar so that I can help you all access the relief that's 100 percent available to you.

Okay so over the last couple of days you have been on my mind constantly and I've really tried to think about what would be the most useful thing to you right now. I've written this outline about 100 times and I tried to think about what I could give you that would help you feel better.

And so this podcast episode is just going to be about that—about how to find relief, how to feel better and get relief regardless of the circumstance that you find yourself in. And so of course it applies to all of us now in this kind of collective painful experience but it applies really any painful circumstance that you find yourself in. And so I'm going to try to share some ideas that I think will give you a shift in perspective and show you how to get relief anytime you need it. And hopefully this can be like a little pep talk for your brain.

Okay, so first of all, we find relief when we can identify the true cause of our suffering. So when we're hurting or when things are hard or painful it's really easy to misplace the responsibility for those feelings. It's really easy to attribute those feelings of suffering to everything outside of us.

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So right now you might be feeling anxious or scared or frustrated or indignant or disappointed and it feels like the virus or the economy or public policy or the cancellation of our life and our plans is creating all of those feelings. But when we think that things outside of us create these feelings then we've misidentified the true cause of our suffering and then we can't get relief. When the world and what happens in it makes us feel terrible, then we've got to change the world to get relief. And we know that's impossible, right? I've tried it. Right? You've tried it. All the people commenting in threads on Facebook or Twitter have tried it, right? It's impossible.

And so the way we get relief is when we know that between every circumstance in the world (everything that happens out there) between that and our feeling is a thought. Our thought. That thought is the source of our suffering. That is what is creating our feelings and it's also the place where we can get relief. We don't have to wait on the world to get its act together. Relief is available right now.

So I want to give you a little analogy. So I've been suffering since like last October with this really bad eczema flare up and I've been to the dermatologist like 14 times and have gotten a few prescriptions and I've just gotten no real relief.

So finally at the end of February after waiting and waiting and waiting for relief from this, and for things to correct and change and improve, I finally agreed to go to the allergist to get to the bottom of it. Now like up until this point it seemed like my problem was the eczema. It seemed like this painful inflammation on my skin was causing all of my discomfort and itching and pain and suffering.

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But when I went to the allergist instead of identifying the eczema as the problem and trying to solve for that, the allergist said no the problem isn't the eczema. The problem is the allergen that's exacerbating the eczema. The problem is the allergen that's creating that reaction in your skin and that's what we need to find out. If we find the allergen then eczema just takes care of itself.

Now in so many ways this is like our emotional life right now. We think the problem is the feelings that we're having. We notice, "I'm feeling all this negative emotion and pain and suffering," and we think that that is the problem. We think the problem is our fear. We think the problem is our anxiety. We think the problem is that we're feeling disappointment that this spring is gonna be so different than the one we had planned. But those feelings aren't the problem. They are the result. Something is causing those feelings. If we can find the cause and we can find the source of those feelings then you can find the source of your suffering.

Now obviously the trouble is that we almost automatically attribute those feelings to the world outside of us. Immediately when I say, "Okay, your feelings aren't the problem. It's what's causing your feelings is the problem." And you're like, "I know, right? Look at the world. It's making me scared and angry and disappointed."

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We think the source of our fear is the virus or the economy. We think the source of our frustration is how people are handling it or reacting to it. We think we know the source of our feeling. We think we know the cause of our feelings. It seems obvious to our brains. The world is falling apart and that's creating all these painful negative feelings. It kind of feels like our feelings got hijacked right. The world is making us feel bad and we just want to feel better. We just want to get rid of the rash.

So before I went to the allergist I tried to feel better right. I tried a million different soaps and creams and prescriptions and dietary changes. I wanted to feel better. So I tried doing all these things to fix how I was feeling. And this is no different for us emotionally. We feel bad and so then we try to like do things outside of us to try to feel better. We want to get rid of these feelings so we go to the grocery store. We hoard toilet paper. We watch the news. We buffer. We eat boxes of Lucky Charms standing at the counter. (Allegedly. I've heard that happens right?)

And we're trying to feel better by doing all these things, by taking some action to change the situation. But this isn't effective at making us feel better because the action never changes the true source of the problem. We are attributing our feelings to the wrong source. We're attributing our feelings to the outside world. We're misidentifying the source of our feelings and then it's hard to get relief.

So for example, here on Monday morning I find myself feeling anxious and immediately I want to solve for that feeling. I don't like feeling anxious so I look around to see what's causing my anxiety so that I can take action and fix it. So right now my kids are still at college and I need to take some action and get them home. My brain wants me to get busy so that I can stop feeling anxiety and get these kids home.

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But action doesn't change feelings. Thoughts do. If we really want to change our feelings that always happens inside our brain with our thoughts and nowhere else. No amount of action is going to change our feelings. So like in my case if I bring my kids home my brain says, "Okay that will solve for our anxiety." But remember anxiety is created by our thoughts not by the outside world. So when I get them all here, believe it or not I'm still going to have access to anxious thoughts.

So for example my husband works at a hospital. It's likely he's going to be more exposed to the virus than the rest of us. And by bringing my kids home then maybe they're going to have a greater chance of exposure to the virus. (Now none of this matters don't get lost in the details of my life here, right?) My point is that we think action is going to solve our feelings. Getting the kids home is going to solve my anxiety, but it won't because feelings are created by thoughts. They're created by sentences. And when I think my kids aren't safe at college then I feel anxious. So that sentence, those words, creates my anxiety.

So just remember that your feelings are created by your thoughts. If you want to feel better you only have to think differently. The way to be able to find relief is to see that really and truly the source of your suffering is the thoughts you're having about the world. The thoughts that you're having are creating your painful emotions. Every time. And I'm not here to tell you that you shouldn't be feeling bad. You totally should. It's totally available to you. I'm just telling you that your power to get relief is in knowing that's the true source of your pain and knowing that the world isn't making you feel bad. Your thoughts are.

So in my life. I've noticed in the last couple of days that I have felt discouraged and a little apathetic and it feels like the world and what's happening in it is making me feel that way. It feels like, "Well of course I'm discouraged. Have you seen the state of things?" Right? "Of course I feel apathetic. None of it's going to matter in a week because we're all gonna be gone."

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So we feel bad and then we want to blame the world. But there's no power there. I'm just stuck. I'm just disappointed. I'm just apathetic. We are only just victims when the world is making us feel bad. So instead I like to recognize that no I only feel bad because of my thoughts, right?

And so every morning I dump out all my thoughts on paper and I see the thoughts that are creating the feelings inside of me. Thoughts like "I've done all this work for nothing." Thoughts like "Nothing I've done even matters and it can all be taken away in a second. Why am I even trying." So if you look at those thoughts no matter what's happening in the world, thouhts like those are going to make you feel discouraged and apathetic.

So right now, what are you feeling? Ask yourself, "What is the sentence, what are the words, that are making me feel this right now? What are the words that are making me feel anxious? What is the sentence that's making me mad right now? What's the sentence that's making me feel disappointed right now?"

Now why it's powerful to know that it's a sentence creating a feeling is that then we know that we don't have to do anything to feel better because that's not going to work. That's why filling your cupboards hasn't completely removed the feeling anxiety from you. That's why checking the news hasn't made you feel prepared or informed. Like doing things isn't going to change those feelings. It's like shocking. Like we're trying so hard but your thoughts are the source of your suffering and your thoughts are the answer to your suffering every time. Find the sentence find the suffering. (That could be like a T-shirt right?) Find the sentence find the suffering.

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Okay, and let me just add that your feelings are there to give you information about those sentences. They alert you that you have sentences. They alert you that you're thinking something. So you need to allow your feelings allow them to be there. Stop trying to solve for them and make them go away so that you can feel better. Instead they are an opportunity to find out what your brain is thinking. Find out what they have to tell you. They have all the information about what you're thinking and so it's important that we allow our feelings so that we can look closely at the thoughts that are creating them. Because when we know the thoughts we're thinking then we can change them if we want.

Okay so the next thing that I want to talk to you about is that we can get relief by embracing the uncertainty around us while having faith in the certainty, right, in the things that are certain. So let me explain this.

Last week I was leaving the gym I ran into a friend and we were talking about everything that's happening and she said, "I've never lived at a time when I didn't know what tomorrow would bring. Right? And that's just like so scary to not know what's going to happen tomorrow." And as I left and I got in the car I thought. "No, wait. Actually we have."

That is how we have lived our entire lives. Every single day of our lives we didn't know what tomorrow would bring. We just thought we did. So I want you to think about this for a minute. I know that I've talked to you before about our brain being a prediction machine right. It thinks it knows what's going to happen tomorrow. It thinks it knows what's going to happen every day. It thinks, "Okay, it's Monday morning. This is how our Monday morning goes," based on our past. Based on the past it has predicted this is what Monday morning looks like.

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But really and truly I didn't know. I didn't know that the sun would come up and that the Earth would keep spinning. I didn't ever know what tomorrow would bring. I didn't ever know what was really going to happen. We have never actually known what would happen tomorrow. It's just that like we're suddenly aware of this first time in a long time.

The truth is we have always been vulnerable. We have never been able to predict tomorrow but our brain has believed that it has. And by believing it knew what was going to happen it eliminated that kind of constant anxiety that we should be feeling if we don't know what's going to happen.

So right now this is totally new territory for us in the modern world. We haven't ever been here before. The brain doesn't know what to predict it can't take the past and move it into the future and so it's like, "I don't know what's going to happen," right? And in the absence of not knowing it's predicting death.

Of course it is, right? And so we're anxious. Our brain is creating lots of thoughts and sentences and words that are creating fear. Right? And it thinks this is the best way to keep you alive given all this uncertainty. But that uncertainty was always there. Our brain had just managed all of it by acting as a prediction machine.

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So you're like, "April, knowing that I've always been vulnerable isn't making me feel any better." But it should, right? Because it means that you are anxious right now not because it's dangerous. It's always been dangerous. You are anxious right now because this is just new to the brain and you can't predict what's going to happen next. You are in no more danger now than you were six months ago. You know no more what's going to happen tomorrow today than the tomorrow last July. Your brain just didn't recognize it because it was just acting like a prediction machine.

And knowing that can help you remember that life as a human has always been risky, that it's always been dangerous and it's always been fine. We've just told ourselves that things are predictable because it's not very fun functioning with so much uncertainty. But this is what it means to be alive. And we have survived like this all this time. Even with all the risks.

Like, yes, it is risky, but in a way it is also guaranteed. And by that I mean we all get as much earth life experience as we were ever going to get. It's all a gift. And yes, it is fragile but it is also known. And just because we're suddenly more aware of the risks that have always been there doesn't change the certainty that we're always going to get as much life and experience as we're supposed to have. That is certain.

So this year as I've read the Book of Mormon, I've had this thought over and over again that like, "They are always in dangerous circumstances," right? They're always at the risk of dying. And I keep wondering like what their brains were doing with all that uncertainty and fear all the time. But the truth is we are no different. We are not exempt from the human experience of uncertainty and death. All of that is part of the deal. It's the recipe of fallen earth life. We just forget that when it's easy and comfortable and predictable but we aren't exempt.

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So can we just embrace the uncertainty, knowing that our Earth life experience and education was designed for us and the length of it and the breadth of it and the nature of it is already known and is already certain and nothing is going to change that. That thought should give you some relief. Like it's uncertain and that's okay.

Now I want to say one more thing about the uncertainty of our current circumstances. So a little while ago I was listening to a podcast where Rich Roll was interviewing Mel Urie, who was the first woman to attempt and finish this like really incredible ultra triathlon called the Uberman. And it's the world's hardest endurance race. Like the entire race is like some 600 miles swimming and running and biking. It's like incredible. Anyway the swimming portion of this Uberman is a 21 mile open ocean swim from Catalina Island to the California mainland right? That's how the race starts leisurely swim from Catalina to California.

And so in this interview she was talking about how hard it is when you're out in the ocean to be able to tell how close you are to the land. She says the ocean is so deep that you don't have any underwater navigation that tells you that you're moving forward right. You're just out there like stroking and stroking and you don't know really if you're making any progress. She said at some point you can see the shore and then you're like, "Oh I'm getting close," right? And then you swim for another couple of hours and look up and the shore isn't any closer. Right? And she says that can be so discouraging.

And so she really tried hard in this race not to look forward not to try to look at the shore and figure out how much farther she had to go. Instead as she swam she had a kayak on one side and she had a boat on the other and they had these glow sticks hanging off the sides of the boat. And she would just look to the side and keep her eyes on those glow sticks, keep her eyes on those lights as she lifted her head.

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And right now our brain wants to know when we're going to be out of shark-infested water. It wants to know where this shoreline is. It wants to know in this scary night swim is going to be over. We want the circumstances to change. We want the virus to go away. We want life to return to normal. We want it to be over. In other words we want to be at the shore. We want the sand under our feet so that we can feel certain again.

And the truth is we're going to be in the water for a while. And what I want you to know is that it doesn't have to feel certain. You don't have to know how close you are to the shore for you to keep working and try and moving forward. And it will really help if you can keep your eyes next to you right where you are, in the place where you are, rather than trying to look about when it's going to be over. You are exactly where you should be. You shouldn't be at the shore. You should be 10 miles out between the boat and the kayak. Swimming. Thinking it should be over, thinking things should be different, just leaves you discouraged. Mel Urie said she just watched the kayaker. "He's still stroking. And so am I." And that was enough.

Now your brain right now wants a finish line. It's like, "Okay, I can do this if I know how long I have to do this. If I know where the shore line is."Your brain doesn't like the uncertainty of this moving target but there is certainty that it will get better. Eventually you will arrive, by not watching the shore but by putting your head down and continuing to strive and try and persist. All you have to do is keep at it one day at a time, processing your emotion, managing your thoughts, doing your work in the best way you know how, showing up for the people you love, growing in your ability to feel discomfort and not give up. For as long as the swim lasts.

And it's hard to remember this but the shore line isn't actually the point, right? Getting to the end of the suffering isn't the point. The point is what's happening to us along the way. How strong we're getting. What we're learning about ourselves and our capacity. What we learn about having faith in the things that are certain. What we become is the point as we swim through this fallen world.

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So that leads me to the last thought that I hope will help you. So right now most of our brains on default think that something has gone wrong. Clearly. But I want to offer you the idea that it was always going to be this way. We just didn't know it. I was talking to my sister the day and she said you know it never turns out the way I think it's going to. It's never like I think it's going to be.

We thought our March and April and the end of the school year was going to look one way. We thought it was going to go one way. Our brain had predicted that. And then when there's a conflict between that prediction and the reality, we feel like something has gone wrong. But it was always going to be this way. We just didn't know it because we were predicting our life using our past. And we were totally wrong about the way it was going to go. If we can just let that be and recognize like, "Oh I thought it was gonna be this way and I was wrong. It was always going to be this," then we can know that in fact nothing has gone wrong and we're right on track.

As smart as our brains are they don't know how it's supposed to be. Because the truth is this is how it was always going to be. This is how it's supposed to be. This is the curriculum. Now how do we use this to grow in all these areas that we want to? This is our Earth life experience. How do we learn what we came to learn? Even now?

So I love the thought that is expressed in that hymn, "So amid the conflict whether great or small, do not be discouraged. God is over all." You can remind your brain that it doesn't have to know how it's going to go because someone smarter and wiser and with more love and more vision than you, is 100 percent in charge of it. And that will allow you to set down your resistance and just let it be. Accepting that it was always going to be this way allows you to drop the negotiation you're trying to have, right? It allows you to stop spending energy undoing what cannot be undone.

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Like this is one of the reasons my kids aren't home from college yet right? None of us wanted to accept what is. We've been holding onto this idea that something has gone wrong rather than knowing it was always going to be this way. And we're still like negotiating with the universe. And that just doesn't serve us because we can't move forward.

So when you know that this was always the plan and it was always going to be this way, that what was going to happen has happened, then we can move on to focus on, "Okay, who do I want to be and how do I want to experience this part of my life? I'm in the water. How do I want to do this swim?" Right? And you can kind of have a talk with yourself. Let it be and then ask yourself, "Now what? How do I want to experience this?How do I want to grow as I continue to put one arm after another into the water?"

Because you get to choose. You get to choose. How do we know this? Because our agency as human beings is based on the premise that we are beings that have the power to act and not be acted upon. Meaning that nothing can act upon us and cause us to feel anything. Things can't happen in the world and that automatically disturbs our peace. We always have a choice even if we don't always recognize it.

Now, this is like much more than just like positive thinking right. It's not just a positive attitude. It's not just making the best of a bad situation, though none of that ever hurts right? What I'm suggesting is that bad situations are only bad because we think they're bad. In other words, this is much more than just looking for the silver lining in a gray cloud. It's recognizing that if the cloud is gray it's only because I see it that way. My brain sees it that way. Meaning, yes, there are viruses there are market downturns there are facts, but then we always get to have an opinion, a thought, a sentence about what is happening and choose that for ourselves.

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Like when my brain says "None of it matters and it's all for nothing," I get to choose to keep that and keep thinking it. Or I get to choose to think, "Wait a minute brain. Of course none of the arbitrary goals I have in my life really matter— the weight or my business or the boxes that I want to check—but what matters is what has always mattered. What matters is what I become as I do these things. The muscles I develop as I work and grow and strive, even in hard circumstances. Even when everything changes." Right?

What matters is what happens to me as I swim. My brain is wrong. It all matters because it is how we become. It all matters. You always get to decide how you will react what you will think what you will feel what you will do.

So I'm sure you've heard this story about Apple during the holiday season, right? I've heard this story from my coach and she says that like every Christmas at Apple there are these huge lines and huge customer service needs and they're like super busy and swamped and the leaders at Apple rally their employees with the thought: "This is where we shine." Meaning that this is challenging. Wthout a doubt. But if we believe that this is where we shine, that this is where we do our best work, that this is what separates us from everyone else, then we show up differently than if we believe that it's overwhelming or hard or exhausting.

When your brain wants to notice the dark clouds, when it wants to notice that the water is deep and dark and cold and the shore isn't getting any closer, I want to remind you that this is where you shine. This is where you do your best work. That no matter what, you create your experience with the sentence is in your head, so you need to choose those sentences very deliberately.

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Last night as I was going to bed I saw one of my friends had recorded herself playing the guitar and singing a song. And she posted it on Instagram just to make people feel better. Just to like shine a little light in the darkness. Because that's who she wants to be. Because overcoming her own brain and overcoming her own fears to help someone else is why she came. And that matters.

This is where we shine. This is where we grow. This is the curriculum. This is why you came. Not to spend your day on the shore, but to spend it in the water doing the work of becoming. And I want you to know that I'm cheering you on. It's not easy and I know that. This is some hard work. This is some stretching work. But it is why you came.

And as you go and do it, remember that relief is available to you when you identify the true cause of your suffering, when you can just embrace the uncertainty by having faith in the certain, and by letting it all be by knowing that it was always going to be this way and knowing that we aren't in charge but someone who loves us is.

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We just get to decide now who we are going to become and how we'll use our capacity to choose our experience while we're here. No matter the circumstances, no matter the uncertainty, our reaction is always ours to control and that means that relief is always available to us. And that my friends is 100% awesome! I love you for listening. Take care of yourself and manage your brain. Reach out to me if you want help with those sentences and I'll see you next week!