Episode 60: Surrendering Defensiveness

Welcome to the 100% Awesome Podcast with April Price. You might not know it but every result in your life is one hundred percent because of the thoughts you think, and that my friends is 100% awesome!

Hello podcast universe! Welcome to episode 60 of the 100% Awesome Podcast. I'm April Price and I want to welcome you to the podcast today. I just want you to know that if you are struggling, you are not alone. Does that make you feel any better? I think I've told you before about David's incorrigible positivity, right? And how sometimes it just drives me crazy, like can you just get discouraged like the rest of us! But on Saturday morning as we were laying in bed, and talking about how we were feeling given the challenges, and heartaches of our life and our own personal struggles and he said "It's just so crappy sometimes. Why does it have to be so crappy?"

And I know that if even David is feeling that things are crappy, then maybe a lot of us are having that experience, and you are not alone. It is the case for every human being at one point or another. Things get dark, things hurt, and you aren't weak, or wrong, or bad if you struggle to see the light, sometimes. It's all part of it, and the key I think is to not want to run to the light, and escape the pain, to not hate the darkness, but to allow it to be there, and to learn the lessons that can only happen in discomfort, and sorrow, and darkness. And, if you ever want to talk to somebody, and be able to process your emotions rather than trying to numb them, or escape them, or even to change them, I am happy to help you with that.

So, often when we understand that our feelings are created by our thoughts we just want to get to a new thought, right? We just want to feel better, as quickly as possible, but the truth is that we need to feel our negative emotions first. We need to process our pain, and learn what it has to teach us, before we can give up those thoughts, and think differently. And as your coach, I will show you how to do that. You can sign up for a free coaching consultation, and I will hold the space for you to be able to feel, and process your feelings. To be able to process them all the way through, so then a new way of thinking becomes available to you. I think that so many of our new thoughts are just not accessible to us, because we haven't fully processed our pain, or our current feelings first. This is work that is hard to do for us on our own, because our feelings are so intense and scary, we really don't want to spend a lot of time feeling bad. But a coach can help remind us that we're safe that our emotions are just there to be experienced, and it is my honor as a coach to be able to do that work with my clients.

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Okay, so today I want to talk to you about defensiveness. Shame and defensiveness and our brains confirmational bias. And I know that sounds a little bit heavy, and maybe it would just be better if I got on here and told you a few jokes. But I wanted to give you a few tools today that I think will be really useful to you to help you navigate the human experience that we're having right now. And admittedly this is kind of a vulnerable experience for me to be able to talk about this, but I hope by seeing my own shame, and defensiveness will allow you to see yours as well. And I hope that will be useful.

So, this week I was talking to a client, and she made a comment that I think many of us can relate to. She said "I just want to know how to find out the truth. There are all these perspectives out there, and I wish that I could go to a source that would tell me what's right. What's true? A source that could tell me how things really are, and then I could know what to think, right?" I know that I feel the same way, and perhaps you do too. Perhaps, like me, you've always thought the world was one way, and over the last couple of weeks, and months it has become very apparent that maybe, you have been wrong about all of it, right? And this realization makes us very uncomfortable. The brain loves certainty, it loves to be right, to know that it's right, and in fact being right is so important to the brain that it doesn't notice, or remember, or categorize, or bring awareness to things that make us wrong, or that don't fit in our world view as it is. For the most part the brain ignores contrary information, and any data that is in opposition to its current beliefs. And this is what is known as confirmational bias.

It is well documented in the psychology world that we see what we know, we see what we believe, right? The world exists to confirm our beliefs, and this is how psychology today described it. They wrote, "Once we have formed a view, we embrace information that confirms that view, while ignoring, or rejecting information that casts doubt on it. Confirmational bias suggests that we don't perceive circumstances objectively. We pick out those bits of data that make us feel good, because they confirm our prejudices. Thus, we may become prisoners of our assumptions."

So, let me read that last part again. "Confirmational bias suggests that we don't perceive circumstances objectively. We pick out those bits of data that make us feel good because they confirm our prejudices. Thus, we may become prisoners of our assumptions." So let's go back to my client who wants to get to the true source of information, the accurate source of what is happening in the world, and use that to demonstrate the problem that is there for each of us as we try to do this. So no matter what source you get your information from it, comes with a confirmation bias. Every person who views the very same circumstances views them subjectively, views them from their own perspective. Because each person viewing the exact same circumstances has a confirmation bias created by their brain. They see things how they believe the world to be

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Okay, and then we receive all these different reports, all these different sources of information, and all these sources get filtered by your own brain, which has its own confirmational bias, right? So not only does each report go through the confirmation bias of each person who saw it, or experienced it, then all those reports then go through your own brain, with its own confirmation bias about what is relevant, what's probably true, what's not true, given your own thoughts and experiences. It's like confirmation bias squared, right like confirmation bias infinity! In other words you see each subjective report subjectively yourself. And as Paul said, "We end up seeing through a glass darkly." Here in the human form we can't really see the truth, in his letter to the Corinthians Paul tells them. He's like telling them all about the virtues of charity, right? And how we should strive for charity, and not seek our own, and not think evil, or not put ourselves about another, right? And then he says, "But we see through a glass darkly." He's saying, this is what makes charity challenging, right? We see through our own human brains, and it's not clear how not to think evil, or not to put ourselves above another when we have our own confirmational bias distorting things for us. And so to put it plainly it's almost like there's no objective truth, or maybe more accurately, it's that it's all subjective truth.

What is true, is true to the brain processing the information. And for some of us, we are just becoming aware that we have been seeing the world through our own confirmation bias, and there might be more to this story. Like we're suddenly aware that the glass is dark and we had no idea, and that realization in it of itself can be very uncomfortable. When we become aware of this discrepancy, in the fact that we might be a prisoner of our own assumptions, I think we tend to be defensive, right? And that defensiveness can distort the truth even more, and keep us from accessing charity, accessing more clarity, and accessing God's view of all of it. So, when we start to be aware of our own confirmation bias I think our human tendency like I said is to feel shame, and defensiveness or a lovely combination of both of them, right?

Because neither shame or defensiveness feel really good, and as soon as these emotions arise our tendency is to hide from them, to avoid them, to blame others, or make others wrong so that we don't have to feel these things. And I want you to know that's an option, you can operate in your life like that. But I think if we do that, if we give into our human instincts to run from or fight those feelings, I think we are missing a huge opportunity for growth, and learning. And what I want to offer you today is the idea that when we feel shame, and defensiveness that it is an indicator that here is a place where we can grow. Here is a place where we can overcome our natural man, or natural thoughts, our natural brain and, access more of the divine love, the divine thoughts in our lives.

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So, when shame, and defensiveness show up, I see it as a signal that I have work to do. And that means being willing to look at my thoughts, and explore the thoughts that are creating my feelings. Defensiveness is an invitation to look closer at how we are viewing, and thinking about the world, and the people in it. And it's an invitation to change how we think, which will in turn change how we feel and act or as President Russell M. Nelson said recently counseled the members of my church, "It is an opportunity to repent." So the Greek form of the word repent is, "metanoo" and it means, to have another mind, to change your mind. And I think this is such a good description of what needs to happen for each of us when we discover that our own confirmational bias is preventing us from loving fully. We simply need to look at the thoughts that are creating shame, and defensiveness in us, and decide to have another mind, to have another thought, and get closer to the thoughts that God thinks.

Now, I am not suggesting that I am an expert on what God thinks, and I'm not even saying that I think you should think like God thinks. But what I'm offering is that if you are feeling defensiveness, as you discover your own confirmational bias that it might be wrong, that I think there is an invitation there for each of us to look at what we think and be willing to change our thoughts about it. Not to expect others to change their thoughts, or need others to repent, and change their minds, but to examine what it is that we think that is causing shame and defensiveness. And be willing to have another mind or another thought about it instead. Thought work is personal work, it is work that we do for our own progress, not to change others but to change us. And so, if you want to do this work for yourself I have a few tools that I hope will help you.

So, first know that shame, and defensiveness are not created by what other people say or what other people do, these feelings like all your feelings are created by your thoughts. So, when someone points out a problem they see with us, we are having a thought that we're wrong, that we've made a mistake. And that defensiveness arises when there is a part of us that agrees with the criticism. We are only defensive because someone has touched a part of us that was already tender, right? They have pointed out something that we are already not liking in ourselves, and so, when you feel defensive it's because someone else is confirming that you are bad, that you are bad in the exact ways you have always suspected.

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So, I want to give you a couple examples of this so that you can see what I mean. So one time when I was just getting my business going, and I was still getting certified as a life coach, one of my children came to me and told me that I never have time for them anymore. Now, this is always awesome to hear, and immediately I felt shame about this, and then I felt defensive, right? I found myself justifying what I was doing, justifying the way I was spending my time, and I remember like talking to my husband about it, and being so defensive and saying things like, "What am I supposed to do? Spend my entire life serving them, right, or waiting on deck for when they need something?" But notice that the only reason that that comment hurt, and made me defensive was because on some level I agreed with my child. On some level I was already having thoughts that I was doing it wrong, and that maybe my priorities were wrong, and the media had gotten off track somewhere. Maybe, I was letting people down, right? These were already tender spots for me, I had already beat myself up about it a lot, and so I was suddenly defensive when they brought this up.

And in that moment, I blamed my child for hurting me, and for making me defensive. I notice that if I had looked at my own thoughts about what I was doing, and explored the things I was already thinking about myself, deciding if I wanted to keep those thoughts, then I would have already been at peace with my decisions. My decision to build a business, and expand my talents, and I wouldn't have had to feel defensive if I was confident in my own decision, then, I would be in a position to hear my child. Hear what they needed, right? Hear and respond in the way that I thought was best, but defensiveness kept me from responding. It kept me from hearing them first of all, and then it kept me from responding with compassion, and love.

So, let me give you one more. Another time I remember someone came and told me something unkind that one of my kids had done, right? And as they're telling me this story I was immediately defensive. I felt personally attacked that this woman thought my child was unkind, and that I raised unkind children. That meant that I was a bad mother, because I didn't teach my children to be kind. Now, notice that I would not have been defensive if I already didn't believe terrible things about myself as a mother, if I wasn't already tender about this, right? If I already didn't have insecurity about my mothering the way I raised, and taught my kids. I was already feeling insecure about my ability to control my children, and make them behave, right? And so, I was only defensive because I knew this woman was right. My teaching is inadequate, my parenting is inadequate, and my kids are going to suffer because of my inadequacies. I can't control my children, and that is terrifying in so many ways to me as a mother. And this is what happens when we are defensive. Defense is a protection and we only need to protect ourselves because there is already hurt there. There is already vulnerability and pain there.

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So, after I found coaching I was able to clean up so many of my thoughts about my mothering, and about my role as an imperfect mother in my children's lives. I cleaned up so many thoughts about their agency, and their right to choose, and their actions, and how it was created by them. And I didn't have to control things for them to be 100% okay, and figure things out on their own, even if that meant they were going to mess it up. And so after I did this work, I had another mother call me about another child, and say much the same thing your child is unkind. Now I know when I tell these stories back to back, you're thinking "Hey April, there might be a problem, right?" Totally I blame the parents. But when this mother called me I wasn't defensive at all, I agreed with her, I agreed that my child had been unkind, and I knew it was because of what my child was thinking, and feeling, and not necessarily because of my failings. And even if it was because of my feelings, I owned that I am a flawed imperfect mother, and surely I have gotten some things wrong. I've gotten a lot of things wrong, right? And I'm not defensive about it all, because I have decided how I think about myself as a mother.

I knew she was right and it totally changed our interaction, because I was not defensive, I was able to see this mother with compassion and love. She was only trying to control her own child's experience in the world, and I can understand that. I can understand that impulse, right? So instead of defensiveness, I found love, and common ground. Now, this is the work I think each of us can do in the world, right? In the world right now with current events and in the world any time you feel shame, or defensiveness.

So, recently for me, I have found myself over, and over, again feeling shame for ignoring the reality that black people, and people of color face every day in this country. I felt shame for thinking it wasn't a problem, that racism was behind us, or they were just isolated events. I have felt shame because of my own confirmational bias that has not allowed me to see the pain of others. And many of us when we feel that kind of shame we want to dissolve into defensiveness, and I don't want to offend anyone with my own ignorance, but I just want to tell you one experience that I had with this that may be of help to some of you struggling with defensiveness yourself.

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So, the other day I was at the gym, and they always have in the morning they have sports commentary shows on in the mornings. And Shannon Sharpe was on there and he was talking about Drew Brees comments about the national anthem, right? And Shannon Sharpe was talking about a conversation that he had had with Drew Brees in the wake of that, and he said I'm just paraphrasing what he said. Basically, he said, "I told Drew in that moment, we didn't need you to be Drew Brees, we wanted you to be one of us. We wanted you to feel as though that was your brother, or your uncle, or your father, that was killed." And as I stood there at the gym and I was listening to that I could see how in my own thinking I had done the exact same thing. I believe truly that no one is less than or more than, because of their color of their skin, but I did not see the things that happened to black people, or other people of color as if they were happening to me. And when Shannon Sharpe said that, in that moment I could see that I was still thinking of it as "them and me," right? As separate from me and my problems.

And when I saw that thought, I felt shame. I could see that I was seeing through a glass darkly, that I was seeing things through my own white, middle class confirmational bias, and I felt shame for that. Now, if from there I fall into defensiveness, then I don't grow, I don't change, I can't change my thoughts, I can't repent, and have a new mind. I have to be willing to feel the shame for my failings, and mistakes, and my own confirmational bias with love. Love for myself, that I'm working with this human brain that thinks the world is a certain way, but I don't want to think that way anymore. I was wrong and if I don't get defensive, I can change it. If I don't get defensive about my failings as a mother, I can acknowledge my faults with love, and then try to do better by thinking differently. If I don't get defensive about my racism, I can acknowledge the faults in my thinking with love, and try to do better by thinking differently.

So, Byron Katie teaches that defense is the first act of war, that when we feel the need to defend ourselves we automatically set ourselves against someone else. We take up arms, in a way we put on armor. We hide ourselves behind shields, and swords, and as soon as we defend ourselves we make it antagonistic. And I think defense is the first act of war against another, but I also think it is an act of war against our own change, right? When we are defensive, we are fighting for the way things are, we are fighting for the things we currently think, we are fighting against being different in any way. Now not to get defensive, and not to take this first act of war requires humility. Byron Katie says it so beautifully, she says this she wrote, "If you tell me that I am mean, rejecting, hard, unkind, or unfair. I say thank you, sweetheart. I can find all these things in my life."

In other words, if we're honest the only reason we have to defend ourselves is because someone has pointed out something true about us that we don't want to be true, right? When someone says you haven't done enough to fight racism in America, or that you are a racist, I feel defensive because a part of me deep down knows that is true, and I don't like that about myself. I don't want to be that thing that I have been accused of. But Katie says that, "The key to not taking that first act of war, and being defensive is to acknowledge that in some way we are all the things that other people accuse us of."

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So, when Shannon Sharpe points out to me that, I don't hurt and I don't understand, because I don't see what happened to George Floyd as something that happened to me or my family. If I cannot be defensive in that moment, then I can see where he is exactly right, and where my own biases have limited my understanding of someone else's experience. Byron Katie continues "I have been everything you say, and more. Without you how can I know the places in me that are unkind, and invisible? So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again, I want you to give me everything. In other words, tell me all the things. Tell me how I am wrong." When we can drop our defense, that we can see all the ways that we see the world darkly because of our confirmational bias, where we have been wrong. When we can drop our defenses and open ourselves up to the truth, we can find the places of us that need work the places that are unkind and invisible.

So, here are the tools that I want to give you that I used a lot this week, and that I will continue to use every time I feel defensive. So, the first thing is to notice when you're feeling defensive, notice that feeling. Remember, it's just an indication of where our work is. When I noticed that I'm defensive, I like to start by asking, why? Why am I defensive? Why do I need to protect myself here? What about this situation, or what they've said feels so dangerous to my brain? Why am I feeling threatened? What is someone saying or pointing out that I think I have to protect myself from, and why? What am I scared of knowing about myself that may be true?

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Remember that a feeling of defensiveness doesn't arise when we're faultless or unconcerned about the criticism, right? I'm only scared they might be right, because then I'm going to hate myself for that. So, defensiveness arises when we're already tender about something. Where we already suspect we might be wrong, and it arises because we think we might have done it wrong and then we're gonna be really mean to ourselves when we figure that out. Defensiveness is a signal that you have thoughts that you need to look at, but you're scared to look at them because you're going to turn against yourself.

And so instead, we get defensive when we push back against the other person. And so when defensiveness comes up you have to make a bargain with yourself. You have to make a bargain that you will love all the parts of you, whatever you find you are going to look at why it is triggering defensiveness, but you are going to do so knowing that you won't beat yourself up for what you find. For example, if I am defensive about my mothering I can't look at what is there if I'm going to beat myself up for the faults that I find. I really think that the key to dropping defensiveness is to commit to not taking up arms against yourself.

Okay, and then number two after I ask myself why am I defensive, and I commit to not beating myself up for the answer, then I ask myself how is this true? What part is true? So this last week when I was accused of being racist, and privileged, I felt defensive. But when I ask myself how is it true? How is this true? Then I can be honest, and look, and by asking how it is true instead of is it true, it made me look at how it might be true. How I be unknowingly contributing or at least participating in a system that is setup to benefit me because of the color of my skin.

How the truth is I don't see other people's pain as mine, that I have segregated pain, right? And I see that in fact I have discounted the pain of black people, and people of color, because of my own confirmational bias that is not that bad, or it's been exaggerated somehow. And that's not right. I can see how even though I believe that no person is superior, or inferior to any other, I grew up in a country founded on white supremacist values. And whether I like it or not, my race has more power than others, and I haven't done anything in my life to change that or equalize that. So, when I ask what part is true, then I see the parts of me that need changing. I see the parts of me as Byron Katie said, "That are unkind, and invisible." I see the parts of me that are holding me back from loving, and thinking more like God does. I see the parts of me that keep me separate from other people's pain. When I ask what part is true, the glass gets a little less dark, and I have a little more clarity.

Okay and then once we can drop our defensiveness, and acknowledge how it is true, then we can decide what we want to think, and do instead. So, I like to ask the question like this, if it's true, if what they're saying is true, and it doesn't make me bad, then what would I do? Meaning the only reason that we don't want it to be true, is because we think it makes us bad. We don't want to look at all these shameful things, because we think it will mean we are terrible people. And we just don't want to be terrible people, all right? But if I know that the things I do, or don't do can't make me bad, or less then, or unworthy, or unacceptable. And then in fact people can't be good or bad, but people just make choices. They make choices because of what they think, and they feel, they make choices because of their own confirmational bias. And I am one of those humans making choices from the limited knowledge that I have.

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And when I can acknowledge that without making it mean that I am bad, then instead of hiding from the truth, or shaming myself for it, then I can be aware of it and decide to choose to think something else. I can choose what I want to think, and feel, and do, now. So, not condemning myself for the choices that I made with the dark glass of my human confirmational bias allows me to change what I have been thinking, and to choose what I want to think instead. And the real power of dropping defensiveness is being able to get to work faster. It allows me to change the thoughts are keeping me separate, and ashamed. And it gets me into action to consider what I can do to make life better for others, rather than just spending my energy building up my own defenses. And the more willing I am to know the places inside of me that are unkind, and invisible. As Katie says, "The closer I get to living the way I want to live, that is the work I came to Earth to do."

Now for me as you know I am working on the places inside me that are unkind and visible as well. But you know it's all good work to do. And I am committed to doing it. And it starts by dropping my shame, and defensiveness for all of it. So, I hope that will help you whenever you feel defensive about anything, ask yourself why does this bother me? What part is true? And if it's true, and it doesn't make me bad, then what would I do instead? I think change is possible for each one of us, I think that is why we're here. That is what the moral experience is all about, it's about changing, it's about becoming, and I think that is possible for us if we are first willing to drop our defensiveness for our own confirmational biases.

We have seen the world in a certain way because our brain wants to be right, but the more awareness I have of the prisons those assumptions make for me, the more I can remove those limitations, remove my blinders, and see more clearly. That awareness is dependent on our willingness to look, which means we have to drop our shame, and defensiveness, and look at the thoughts we are thinking, before we can clean them up, and root them out and have another mind instead.

If you want to grow, and if you want to know the places inside of you that are unkind and invisible, your human experience, created by your human brain, is the perfect place to do that work. And it is in fact the reason we came to Earth in the first place, not to do it right, but to repent. To have a different mind, and try again, and that my friends is 100% awesome. I love you for listening and I'll see you next week!

Thanks so much for joining me on the podcast today. If you want to take the things I've talked about and apply them in your life so that you can love your Earth life experience. Sign up for a free coaching session at aprilpricecoaching.com This is where the real magic happens and your life starts to change forever. As your coach. I'll show you that believing your life is 100% awesome is totally available to every one of us. The way things are is not the way things have to stay and that my friends is 100% awesome!