Episode 69: For the Mamas

Welcome to the 100% Awesome Podcast with April Price. You might not know it but every result in your life is 100% because of the thoughts you think, and that my friends is 100% awesome.

Hello podcast universe! Welcome to episode sixty-nine of the 100% Awesome Podcast. I'm April Price, and I am so happy to be here with you today. I want to share something that I've been thinking about that I hope will help you handle the specific challenges of your life right now. So, before I get there, before I introduce the podcast, I just want to encourage all of you who are thinking about trying coaching. I am getting very close to a full coaching schedule, and then I'm gonna be starting a waitlist. And so, if you have been thinking about getting coached, and learning how to manage your brain so that you can make the most out of your Earth life experience and you don't want to have to wait, now is the time to try it.

My clients are changing their lives, one session at a time we work on where their own thoughts are getting in their way. Getting in the way of them having the relationships they want, and having the health, and the weight loss goals that they want. The habits that they want, the thoughts that are getting in the way of the money in the business, and the contribution that they want, the self-confidence they want. And it's just the most incredible experience to watch them see themselves, like maybe for the first time, with total compassion, and love but also with such like a thorough understanding of their own brains that they no longer put up with the lies that it tells them. They are getting what they want out of their lives because they get where their brain is just wrong, and scared, and they are deciding what they want to believe instead. And they are brave, and smart, and amazing, and they have figured out that they create all of their results. And I just love it so much! I love being a part of it, and I want you to have that experience for yourself, if you want it.

So, I actually had something completely different planned for today's podcast, and then on Sunday I went to church for the first time since the first Sunday in March, right? Which is like so crazy, but who could have predicted that, right? So, where I live, because of the Corona Virus, we are only able to go to church in small groups, right? So, our congregation has been divided up by last name, right? And last week was our family's turn to go, and so anyway, I was there on Sunday, and as I sat there listening to one of the speakers, it just kind of hit me that this is an especially difficult time to be a mother. And I was reminded about how this very challenging job has become, even more so recently, because of the pandemic. So, some of you are homeschooling, some of your kids are doing online schools, some of you are having to decide whether or not to send your kids to school, and you're weighing all the possible risks to their health with what they want, and what they need.

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Some of you are managing like a weird hybrid system, where they go to school two or three days a week, or like every other day, every other day, and twice on Sunday. In addition to all of the usual ways of loving and caring for our children. It has fallen to you to make sure that they're educated, and on task, and learning what they need to, while you monitor their screen time, and protect their safety online, and try to find ways to meet their needs, to move, and socialize, and play. All while you also try to care for your babies, and your younger children, or work, or both, right? And for some of you, you have older children, and they are navigating a tentative semester at college, where at any moment they might have to pack everything up and head home. Or where the future they had planned is just kind of on hold, and they're just in a holding pattern at your house, right? In the midst of all of this you are also trying to help your children manage their disappointments, and anxieties, and irritations at all this change, and disruption, as well as your own.

And so, in a job where you already feel stretched, and mostly inadequate, and unqualified, the requirements seem to have gotten so much harder. And so, in today's episode I want to give you amazing mothers a way of seeing, and thinking about the work you are doing with your children right now that is different than the one that your brain might be giving you.

So, your brain is really good and noticing your fault and inadequacies. It's an expert at exaggerating your challenges, and simultaneously underestimating your capability. Thanks for that brain, right? But as usual this perspective is skewed, because of the brain's constant concern with our survival, and also in this case with the survival of our young, right? So, the brain thinks that you might be unaware of the risks of mortal danger to you, and your children. And so, it points out all of your weaknesses as a way to keep you, and your offspring safe. And it does this by offering us thoughts. Thoughts about how things have gone wrong, thoughts about how we aren't enough, thoughts about how we're failing our kids, and how they might be suffering because of us, right? They're all going to die, and it's all going to be our fault. But these are just thoughts. What the brain doesn't know is that there is no actual danger here.

The brain is hardwired to be alert and to alarm you when there are risks, and it takes its job very seriously. You don't notice all your faults as a mother because they are true, you notice them because your brain is doing its job. Because you are alive, and you have a functioning protective brain designed to prolong your life, and perpetuate your species, right? So, today I want to talk to you about some of these thoughts that our brain offers us as mothers, that I think make the already hard job of motherhood even harder, because motherhood isn't easy. It requires more selflessness, and love, and dedication than any other job on Earth. It requires more of our bodies, and our minds, and our spirits than any other Earthly goal or pursuit. And it is also the most incredible education available on how to love, that exists anywhere else in the mortal experience.

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And with all that challenge, which is enough all by itself, the thoughts our brain gives us on default about our mothering make that job even harder, because we use these thoughts against ourselves. We just believe them, and we assume that they are true, and these thoughts affect the way we see ourselves. They affect the way we measure our success, or lack of. They affect the way we judge ourselves, and condemn ourselves, the way we beat ourselves up as we do this incredibly challenging thing of mothering. And that part, the part where we make it even harder on ourselves, where we use it against ourselves, that unnecessarily painful part, is the part that we can do something about. And it's the part that I want to talk about today, and hopefully show you how the thoughts about your own worthiness, and failures, and shortcomings as a mother are not only painful, and unproductive, and sabotaging you, but more importantly they are also 100% optional. And we can think about ourselves, and our mothering in a completely different way, in a way that will serve you, and your children.

Okay so, the first thought that I think makes our job harder, and more painful is the thought, you are failing. You are doing it all wrong, and you are failing. So, this is an interesting thought, right? Notice how automatic it feels, sort of just feels like the facts, right? Like, I'm failing, right? I used to say this almost a daily basis, I'd tell David, "I think I'm failing. I'm pretty sure I'm failing. It just sort of feels true." So, let's just look at the thought for a minute. What does it even mean? Like how would we know if we were failing. To determine failing you would need some kind of measurement. So, it's really good to think about what are we using as our measurement of success, or failure. Sometimes, a lot of times, I think we look at our kids as the measurement, or as the evidence of our success, or failure. We notice what they do, or don't do. We notice their behaviors, and their actions, and their words, and from their behavior, and their choices, we conclude that we have failed.

This is painful for us, and it is painful for our children, because we are basing our validity as a mother on their behavior as a child. And it puts enormous amounts of pressure on both of us, and on the relationship itself, because we need them to act, and choose, and behave in a way to make us feel okay about ourselves. And when our worth, and our success is based on things outside of us, on these independent beings outside of us, that we have no control over. That ends up making us very scared, and worried, and protective, and judgmental, of all the things that they do. And then, it's painful for them, because it's hard enough to be a human child and to learn to choose, and to figure out who they are, without also having to be responsible for, and carry their mother's worth, and self-concept along with them. Your children's choices are theirs. They came to learn, to choose as you did. Let them choose without making it mean anything about you, and whether or not you have failed. Relieving them of this burden, of the need to make you feel like a good mom, will relieve so much pressure on your relationship. When they don't have to perform, so that you can feel successful, then they are free, they're free to choose, and you're free to just love them as they are.

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It's not their job to make you feel like a good mom. It's not their job to make you feel successful, that is always your job. It sort of feels like their job, because your brain is always telling you that you're failing. And so, we'd like them to like tell us something different, right? But we don't realize it's a choice to believe our brain. You can choose to think you are succeeding, and you actually have to decide to think that. Your brain isn't going to offer it to you on default. How do we choose to see ourselves as successful, as good moms?

So, first I think we really need to think about what does it mean to fail in the traditional sense. It means to not meet expectations, right? But who's expectations? What are the expectations? Are they universal? Are they personal, and are they based on some objective standard, or are they based on our ideas of how it should be? Are they based on someone else's performance, or are they based on ours? I think that the problem is always our expectations. We never question those expectations, we just assume that they are true. And whenever our expectations are different than reality, we suffer. So, as mothers, we expect our kids to listen. We expect our kids to obey, we expect to love them all the time, we expect them not to fight. We expect them to be respectful. We expect them to get good grades, and make all the decisions we would make. We expect motherhood to be easy, and fun, and joyful. We expect only to be delighted, and never annoyed, right?

But why? Where did these arbitrary expectations come from? It's kind of just in the water, right? Like from TV moms, to talks at church, we sort of get the idea about what we're supposed to be, and what our kids are supposed to be like, but it's all just made up. And this made up story, or these expectations, are the real problem, because they don't line up with reality. And then we assume that it's because we failed. But what if the expectations are just wrong? For example, I have clients say to me all the time, "I just want my kids to get along." Families are supposed to like each other. We're supposed to love each other, right? I think if we're using the scriptures as evidence, the majority of the families that are on display there show us the opposite of that. They show us that we don't get along as families, sometimes they show us that sometimes we hate each other, sometimes we abuse each other, sometimes we're mean, sometimes we kill each other.

I'm not saying that that is the goal, but I am saying that we just made up the idea that if we're good parents our kids would always make good choices. We made up the idea that if we're succeeding, our kids will love each other, and love us. Our work as parents, and our children's choices do not have a causal relationship. We're both just here making choices, and one of us has just been here on the planet longer than the other. But Earth-life was designed as an educational opportunity for both of us, for both you, and your children. You both get to learn, and choose, and whatever they choose it is not a report card on whether or not you have failed. I want to offer you the idea that there is no such thing as failure. You cannot fail. You may not meet your own expectations, and your children may not meet your expectations, the only problem is the expectation, and your expectation not lining up with reality. We can relieve so much of our own suffering when we embrace what is. When we have compassion for ourselves, and our children, and not need things to be different than they are. The expectation is the only problem. I want you to notice right now, how in your work with your kids, the only painful parts are because your expectations aren't lining up with what is

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Okay, the next thought that is causing unnecessary pain is the thought that, you aren't enough for your kids. And I see this show up for us in so many ways, right? In so many ways we feel like we aren't enough. We don't have enough for what they need. We don't have enough time. We don't have enough energy, we don't have enough patience, we don't have enough love, we don't have enough knowledge, or wisdom, right? All the things! And we feel like our kids need so much, and we just don't have enough to be able to meet those needs. And ironically, when we think this, and we have judgment of ourselves, and notice all that we lack, we then spend the time, and energy we do have, beating ourselves up. And we use up all of our patience, and love on ourselves, and we feel so bad after we have judged ourselves, and beat ourselves up, that we have no reserves left to love, and patiently teach our children.

But you can decide to believe that you are more than enough, and that what you have to give is exactly what your kids need. I love this thought! I love knowing that Heavenly Father loves my children even more than I do, and he didn't just casually, unknowingly, drop his precious children into my dangerous, incapable hands. All of it, including our family unit, who is in our family, was designed for us for me, and for my children. And if I don't have enough of something for my children, then they were never supposed to have it. They are getting the exact Earth-life experience they were supposed to get. They were supposed to get a flawed, human mother with limited strength, and energy, and knowledge, and wisdom, and compassion, and even love. He knows in every way what I am capable of, and if I am not enough, then I am not enough in the exact ways my children need to learn the lessons that they came to learn.

If he wanted them to have a mother with unlimited capacity he would have kept them home with him, right? With our heavenly parents. But he didn't want that. He didn't want them to have a mother with unlimited capacity, obviously. He wanted them to have me, and in fact nothing is by accident. Nothing is done without his unfathomable understanding, and infinite perspective. I believe I am in every way, in every way that I am, and everything that I lack, exactly what my children need, in order to learn, and grow in the way he needed them to. Remember he is in charge of their education, and that means that even in the ways that I think I'm not enough, he thinks it is exactly what my children need. Not enough is not a real thing. It's just what my brain thinks. It's just that my brain is programmed to notice scarcity, and worry about limited resources, and it gives me these thoughts on default. I have to remind my brain that I have the exact physical, mental, and emotional capacities that I am supposed to have for my children.

So, before I found coaching the thought that I had a lot was, that my kids deserved better. That I have such amazing children, and somehow, they got me. Poor things. And surely, surely, they deserved better. And I think this is an especially insidious thought that we have, because it sounds so pretty. It sounds so lovely, my children are amazing, they deserve better. And it's just a pretty way of judging, and hating the job we are doing, and noticing how we are not enough. But any form of "I'm not enough" or "my children deserve better" is a thought that creates guilt, and shame.

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So, I once had a client tell me that no matter what she did right, no matter how much she gave, she always felt guilt, right? She felt this enormous amount of "mom guilt," and that whatever she did it was never enough to erase, and quiet that guilt. Now, guilt can be a useful emotion if it creates a desire to make restitution, and change. But in this case, guilt isn't creating a desire for restitution, or allowing us to make something right that we've done wrong, because in this case it's just a club that we beat ourselves with. Guilt used properly causes us to reveal ourselves, and to take responsibility, to own our mistakes. But this "mom guilt" for no specific thing, except just existing as an insufficient mother, and just this like kind of general not enoughness, causes us to hide. It causes us to withdraw. When our brain offers us guilt, every time we interact with our children, we stop wanting to interact with our children. When our brain offers us guilt every time we think about our children, we stop wanting to think about our children, and all that guilt, or shame, or whatever you want to call it, is unnecessary, because we haven't actually done anything wrong. There is no restitution to be made. It's more like shame in this way. It isn't a specific thing that we need to change, and make right, but it's just like a generalized feeling that we've done it all wrong, and then we're wrong. And in this way it just isn't useful.

It is keeping you from enjoying your children, it's keeping you hidden in a way. Every time you think about them, every time you interact with them, every time you're with them. And it's 100% optional, and it's 100% unnecessary, and maybe more importantly it doesn't even make us better mothers, which is why your brain offered it to you in the first place. What makes you the best mother you can be, is the thought that, "You are the best mother for your children that you have everything you need to mother them." When we stop judging, and shaming ourselves, then we can show up for our children. You have to decide to believe that your children need you as you are. What they deserve is the educational experience that Heavenly Father designed for them, which included being your child, and they deserve the exact learning experience that you provide for them because of who you are. And if this wasn't the case they would not be your children.

Okay, number three, another thought that creates all kinds of pain for us as mothers is the thought that, motherhood is supposed to be easier than this. It's supposed to be blissful. We kind of think that it's supposed to be easy, or that we think that it's easy for the good moms, right? That it's fun, and happy, and joyful for the good moms, that the good moms don't get angry, and annoyed, and frustrated, and bored, and irritated, right? The good moms don't have negative emotion about the best job in the world.

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So, I had a client who had her children later in life, and for many years she didn't think she would even be able to have kids, right? It was really hard to get them here. And so, then once they got here she thought it was all supposed to be amazing, right? And they were all little toddlers, and they were crying, and they were having tantrums, and they needed constant care, and she said, "I just can't believe that I get so irritated, and frustrated with them." She said, "I shouldn't get irritated. I love them. I'm so happy to have them I am so happy to be a mother. I can't believe that I lose my cool and I get frustrated." We all kind of feel like that, right?

So, notice for my client that when her toddler is screaming she feels annoyed. Now, she feels annoyed because she has a thought that he shouldn't be screaming, but as soon as she feels annoyed, then she also has another thought that she shouldn't be annoyed. That good moms don't get annoyed, and something's gone wrong, and she feels frustrated, and angry with herself that that she's a bad mom. So, not only now does she feel the annoyance, but on top of that she layers some frustration, and some guilt, and some anger on top of it. And now that manageable emotion, "I'm annoyed" feels twice as heavy, right? Three times as heavy, and big, and in the heat of the moment it feels like her toddler has created all of this heavy emotion. And what I pointed out to her is that if she could just allow herself to be annoyed, and not judge herself, not get mad at herself for being annoyed, then she would just have to feel annoyed. Which is totally manageable. She could feel that little tick on the back of her neck, and that bubble of heat in her chest, and just feel annoyed.

She could ask herself in that annoyance "What am I thinking that is creating annoyed? Oh, I'm thinking you shouldn't be screaming, I'm thinking you should be acting different than he is. That is creating annoyed in me." And then, she could see that it's 100% okay to think that thought, and feel annoyed. Human mothers have thoughts, human mothers have brains that create feelings from those thoughts, and there's nothing wrong with any of them. When we think we shouldn't have certain feelings, or we think we shouldn't have certain thoughts offered to us by our brain, then we add so much more negative emotion to the mix and it makes the problems so much worse.

So, here's the thing, motherhood, parenthood, is 50/50, 50% positive emotion, and 50% negative emotion, 50%. The best, most amazing job in the world, 50% the hardest worst job in the world. And it doesn't mean you are a bad mom because you are having a 50/50 experience. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids, it doesn't mean your kids deserve a mother who loves every moment of it. It means you are right on track. And if you simply drop your judgment of yourself for the 50% negative parts that you're going to feel, you will immediately eliminate so much unnecessary suffering. You can love your children, and still have thoughts that they should be different, or that they should be acting different. And it's okay. When you stop villainizing those thoughts, and villainizing the negative emotions those thoughts create, then it's so much easier to question them. So much easier to identify, and see the thoughts that are creating your feelings. That it wasn't your child, that it was just the thought your brain offered you. And when that's okay, that you had the thought in the first place, and it created a feeling inside of you, instead of getting mad at yourself about that, then you can be curious about it. Question your thoughts, choose other thoughts if you want to, but it begins by dropping our judgment for ourselves. You are a human mother. Your brain is going to offer you thoughts, those thoughts create feelings, and nothing has gone wrong.

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Okay the last thought that your brain might have offered you as a mother is the thought that, your kids are doing it wrong, and it's probably your fault. Or another flavor my brain likes to offer is, your kids are suffering and it's probably your fault. Okay so, here's the thing, I want you to notice the sneaky little hidden thought within these thoughts. So, the thought is, our kids are doing it wrong, or our kids are suffering, and it's probably our fault. But underneath it is this sneaky little thought that they shouldn't be, that they shouldn't do it wrong, and they shouldn't suffer. Both of which are totally untrue. They actually came to Earth to do both. They came to do it wrong, and they came to suffer. That's the plan, I hate to tell you. And if you didn't believe that they shouldn't do it wrong, and that they shouldn't suffer, then this thought that it might be your fault wouldn't even be a problem. Of course, they are responsible for their own lives, but even if somehow, we could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's all your fault, notice how if they are supposed to do it wrong, or if they are supposed to suffer, that it's not a problem, even if it is your fault.

So, I was thinking about this, this week because I had a memory come up on my phone. A year ago, I was taking my daughter to college, and my phone is like, "Hey remember this, right?" Anyway, it reminded me of something else that happened on the way there on the drive up. We had stopped at a restaurant so that I could stretch, and rest, and eat, and I'd been driving a long time, and I just want to get out of the car. My daughter didn't want to get out of the car, and I was like, "Okay, that's fine, I'm going to go in I'm going to sit down and eat." And so, I went into the restaurant, I got us some food in case she was hungry later, and I sat down, and I was eating. And eventually, she got out of the car and came into the restaurant, and she was super exasperated with me for stopping, right?

And so, she sat down at the table kind of huffily, and as she did that she bumped the table, and the drinks spilled over, and dumped all over the food, and then down my lap. And she just looked at me, and then she got up, and she walked out of the restaurant without saying anything, right? And I was sitting there, covered in soda, the whole table is dripping, the food is ruined, I'm soaked. And my first thought was, "I am taking this girl to college. To COLLEGE! She is, for all intents and purposes an adult. I am going to drop her off, and she is going to live with other people who have never met her, and might not like having Diet Coke dumped in their lap without a word." And my brain was like, "This is a disaster! You have failed! She is going to die! She is doing it wrong and it's probably your fault. She is going to suffer when she goes to live with other people, and they don't like this kind of behavior, and that's probably all your fault."

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In that moment my brain was freaking out, right? It wanted to tell me that all my parenting, and all my mothering, and all my efforts were not enough. That they were not what she needed, and that I had failed, and that she was going to suffer for it. That she should have gotten somebody else, somebody who knew what they were doing, somebody who could handle it, right? That this amazing child, deserved better, and because she got me, she was now doing it all wrong, and she was going to suffer because of it. But none of that, none of what my brain was offering me, none of it was true. And I refuse to believe what my brain was telling me. She was, and is, supposed to do it wrong. And so am I. She was, and is, supposed to suffer. And so am I. And we're doing it together. She and I, we are learning it together. She was sent to live with me with all of my inadequacies, and I was given the chance to mother her with all of hers.

We are supposed to do it wrong. And hey, we are good at it! We are good at doing it wrong! We are supposed to suffer, and we are. Which means we are right on track. And because I knew that, and because I had decided to believe that, because I decided to believe that she shouldn't be any different, and that she is supposed to suffer, I could calmly talk to her when I got back in the car. Instead of resenting her, and resenting myself for what a bad job I had clearly done as her mother, I could just talk to her, and have a conversation about what just happened. I could give her my thoughts, as her mother, ask her what was going on, teach her the things that I thought she should probably know, and then just love her. And do all of that without the guilt, and the shame, and the resentment that would be there if I believed she was doing it wrong, and it was all my fault. I was able to like subtract all that kind of like dirty, ugly resentment out of the conversation completely, by just knowing she's supposed to do it wrong, and so am I. She's supposed to suffer, and so am I. And we're in this together.

I hope that these thoughts have given you a different way of seeing things. You are not failing. You are enough as you are. Motherhood was not supposed to be bliss, it's supposed to teach you in ways that nothing else can, and that requires it to have negative emotion, at least 50% of the time. The contrast is required for that learning, and your children are supposed to do it wrong, and they are supposed to suffer, and so are you. You are right on track.

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I want to offer you one more thought that might be even more useful to you. I want to tell you that there are only perfect parents. There are only perfect parents. You are one, and you had one. There are only perfect parents. The thought that I want to share with you is that your children are having the exact experience they are supposed to have. So many times, we hurt ourselves with the thought that our children deserve better, that we should be better in so many ways as their parent, and we are really messing it up and ruining everything. We hurt ourselves with the thought that our kids were supposed to have happy, perfect, peaceful childhoods, with parents who are always patient, and always loving, and always know the right thing to do, and the right thing to say. We heard ourselves thinking that someone else could do this better, and that we've done it all wrong. None of that is true! And how do I know that, because they got us. They got you, because they are here having this experience with us as their parent. And none of that is by mistake. Your children, as I said before, were sent to you by a loving Heavenly Father, who knows that you are imperfect.

He knows all of your problems this is not a surprise to him. He knows your weaknesses, and he sent your children to you not in spite of those, but because of those. There are certain experiences that your children need to have, that you need to have, and many of those are only provided by imperfect parents. And you have the exact imperfections that your children need to learn, and grow while they're here. Which makes you, even when you're doing it wrong, perfect for them. And I will just add here, that is is the same for you. You needed your parents with all their awesomeness, and all their problems, with all their good, and all their bad. You would have had a different life experience without those things, and maybe you think it would have been a better life, but you are 100% wrong about that. You are having the exact life you are supposed to have, that you were always meant to have. And that means that however they did it, they did it perfectly, and you can just trust that someone who knows so much more than you designed it in this way, on purpose.

When I believe that my children need my mess as much as my success, then I can stop judging myself, and I stopped judging them, because I no longer have to use their behavior or their experience to rank myself, or approve of myself, or make myself a good mom. It makes me stop needing to control them to feel good about the job I'm doing. I was supposed to do some things awesome, and I was supposed to do some things abominably, and it's perfect. When we can stop arguing with how it was supposed to be for our children, or for us as children, then we see the truth. We are all just humans, learning, and failing, and learning, and failing, in all the perfect ways for each of us. And from there we can just step into compassion, and love for ourselves, for our children, and for our own parents. And that is a beautiful thing. There are only perfect parents. You are one, and you had one. And that my friends is 100% awesome!

I love you for listening and I'll see you next week!

Thanks so much for joining me on the podcast today. If you want to take the things that I've talked about and apply them to your life sign up for a free coaching session at aprilpricecoaching.com This is where the real magic happens and your life starts to change forever believing your life is 100% awesome is totally available to every one of us. And as your coach. I'll show you exactly how to do that so that you can truly love your Earth-life experience the way things are is not the way things have to stay, and that my friends is 100% awesome!