Episode 70: When Other People Don’t Like You

Welcome to the 100% Awesome Podcast with April Price. You might not know it but every result in your life is 100% because of the thoughts you think, and that my friends is 100% awesome.

Hello podcast universe! Welcome to episode 70 of the 100% Awesome Podcast. I'm April Price, and I can't believe that I've been talking to you for 70 episodes. It's like kind of crazy, right? I remember really early on like Episode 12 or something, talking to my dad on the phone about it, and him saying like, "Are you worried you're going to run out of something to say?" I guess we figured out that that is not a problem for me, I always apparently have something to say. I think what we can see is even more remarkable than me having something to say, is that you are willing to listen. I have things to say, and you are willing to listen, and so this is all working out beautifully.

Gosh I love you for being out there, listening, and sharing the podcast, and I want to do something special for you for being out there, and for listening. And so I thought for episode 75 which is coming up in a few weeks, it would be fun to answer some of your personal questions, and speak directly to some of the things that you want to know about how to apply the things that I talk about here on the podcast to your own personal situation. And so, I'm really excited to hear from you directly, and find out what your questions are, and I thought it would be really fun to give you a chance to actually be featured on the podcast as well. So, if you click the link to the podcast show notes it will take you to my website, to the podcast page, where there's a button that you can click, and record a message with your question for me. And on episode 75, I'm going to pick some of these questions, and play your question on the podcast, and then answer them. So, pretty fun, right?

And of course, if you don't want to be on the podcast, and you just want to send your question by email. You can do that as well at aprilpricecoaching.com. But I thought it might be fun for some of you to be able to hear your voices. And so, if you want to do that, and share your story, and ask a question, you can do that by going to the show notes, clicking the link to the podcast web page, and then there's little button there where you can record your question, or you can go directly to the podcast page by going to aprilpricecoaching.com/70. So, go there ask me a question, and I will share some of them on episode 75. I am so excited about this! And while you're there, you should sign up for free coaching consultation, and try coaching for yourself. It is such an amazing experience to have someone else help you look at your own brain, and question the thoughts that are getting in your way. And I would love to share that experience with you.

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Okay so, to introduce the podcast today I want to start with a story said the other day. We were all in the family room talking, and as you know my husband is the bishop our church congregation. And as the bishop most of his work is with the youth in our congregation, and in particular he spends a lot of time with the oldest group of young men, their ages like 15 to 18, right? And he loves it! And the other day my son who is part of this group of young men mentioned that the boys had made some funny memes about David. They had taken David's picture, and put it in all these funny situations, right? And like one of them in particular had my husband smoking, right? And the boys just thought it was hilarious to have this picture of the bishop smoking, and of course David was horrified by this. And he said, "Why would they do that? I try so hard to be nice. Why don't they like me?" And my son went on to explain to David that it is because they like him, that they did this, right? Because they love him, and they were just having fun. But the question that David asked is one I think that most of us have asked from time to time. Most of us have asked ourselves this question before, right? And that is, "I try so hard to be nice. Why don't they like me?" Why don't people like us.

So, on the podcast today I want to talk about what other people think of us, why they like us, why they don't, and how to think about what other people think in a way that will serve you, and help you get the most out of your experience here on Earth. So, without fail almost every single one of my clients has said to me, "I just really care what other people think of me, and I wish I didn't. I know that I can't control what other people think of me, and so I wish it didn't bother me." And they kind of think about this like a personal failing, right? That something is wrong with caring about what other people think, and that they shouldn't. And that if they were stronger, or more confident, or more faithful, or they loved themselves more, then they wouldn't care what other people think. And so, they see this as like a personal problem, a personal failing. And perhaps you've even had similar thoughts.

So, the first thing I want you to know is that it's not bad, or wrong that you care what other people think. You are a human being an evolutionarily you are a tribal animal. Humans survived by gathering in groups, and tribes, and hunting, and gathering, and farming together. Your human brain, the natural part of you, is specifically programmed to care what the other members of your tribe think. That is one of the ways the brain keeps you alive, it makes sure that you fit into a tribe, so that you have adequate access to shelter, and food, and companionship, and protection. It is not a problem that you have this part of you, this part that cares what other people think. It is part of the human experience that we are doing together. And so, we care what each other think, and as one of my coaches Jody Moore says, "If you didn't have that part of you that cared what other people think, you would be a sociopath." Right?

But, instead you have a well functioning brain that is programmed for socialization, and this is a very good thing, because we are humans with healthy brains. We care what other people think of us. Our brain wants to fit in, and be liked. And when we fit in, and we are liked, our brain even encourages, and promotes that behavior by rewarding us with oxytocin, and serotonin, which are hormones that make us feel really good. So, it makes sense that we have the instinct, and the primal desire to be liked, it is basic survival instinct reinforced by these very good feeling hormones in our body. But the second thing that I want you to know is that while it's not a problem that this instinct is there, it also doesn't have to go unquestioned, because it turns out that if you don't fit in, you aren't going to die.

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We're all just kind of fulfilling the instinct, and trying to be liked on autopilot without questioning it. And when we follow this instinct automatically without questioning it, it can turn us into people pleasers. Where we are just doing things to influence what other people think of us, or where we are sacrificing what we really want for what we think other people want. And so, it's not a problem that we have the instinct, we just need to make sure that we are acting on purpose, and creating the life we want despite the instinct. We need to be sure we are being who we want to be, instead of just doing what our brain thinks is safe, and appropriate, and likable without question.

Okay, and the third thing that is so important to know is that while our brains are focused on what other people think of us, it's also kind of an illusion, because the truth is what other people think of us is irrelevant. What is always affecting us is what we think about what they think. It's not their thoughts that are the problem, it's our thoughts about their thoughts, or more accurately it's our thoughts about what we think their thoughts are, right? Because how do we know what other people are thinking? We don't. Not really. We think we do, right? But we're just making it up, we're thinking about what they think. Notice that even if they tell us, even if they say words, we don't ever really know what is happening in someone else's head, in fact it's all a projection. Whatever we think other people think, they are the thoughts that we already have about ourselves. The thoughts that you think other people think about you, are just your own thoughts about you projected onto other people.

Like, notice how you never have thoughts about what other people think that are things that have never occurred to you, right? Like you never worry if people think you're an alien, right? I never worry if people think I'm a bad Father, right? I never worry if people think I'm too tall, it's never occurred to me. And also, notice that you never have thoughts about what other people think when they are qualities that you actually like about yourself. Like I never worry if people think I'm good at making pie, or I never worry if people think I love the beach, right? We never worry about the things that we actually like about ourselves. And if you really think about it, when we're worried about what other people think, their negative thoughts about us, or what we think their negative thoughts are, always line up with our own negative thoughts about us, right?

Like, "I worry that I'm too much, or that I'm too loud, or that I'm a bad mother, or a difficult wife. I worry that people think I'm judgmental, or that my eyes are too far apart." So other people have the same negative thoughts about you as you do, because it's just a projection, right? It's like in those scary movies where the call is coming from inside the house, all negative thoughts are just coming from our own brains. Our thoughts about what other people think of us are only our own thoughts about ourselves. And this is really good to know, because it means that we can take ownership of all the things we think other people think, and know that they are just thoughts that we have about ourselves. And if we can take ownership of that, then we can change things.

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So, I think this is a really good exercise for all of us to do. I want you to make a list of all the thoughts that other people have about you. Write them all down, what other people think of me ,and just write a list, right? And notice how they have nothing to do with other people. They are just your own thoughts, and this is really good news, because you can't control other people's brains, but you can control your own, and you can decide to manage your own thoughts about you. When you write them down now you know what the thoughts you have about you are, and then you can go to work on them. Not just accept them as truth, but really question them, neutralize them, and then decide to believe entirely new thoughts about yourself.

Okay next, once you take responsibility for the thoughts you have about yourself, the next thing I want you to know is that other people will have thoughts about us and that's okay. They have brains, they're supposed to have thoughts, and some of them are about us. Other people are allowed to use their agency to think whatever they want about us, they are allowed to feel dislike in their bodies. When they think thoughts that create dislike, you don't control other people's thoughts about you. You don't control their opinion of you, and you don't control their experience in the world when they think those thoughts. But no matter what they think, no matter what their opinion is of us, it is not a problem for us. They are totally allowed to think whatever thoughts their brain creates for them. It only becomes a problem when we think they don't like us, and they don't approve of us, and our brain instinctively thinks that is dangerous. But it isn't, right?

What really happens if they think something negative about us? What really happens is if they think something, they feel something. Nothing actually happens to us. We don't actually get picked off by predators, and jeopardize our survival like our brain thinks, right? If they think something about us their brain creates a feeling in their body, that's all that happens. When they think a positive thought, they feel a positive emotion, if they think a negative thought, they feel a negative emotion. Nothing happens to us, and nothing happens inside of us.

Now, if we jump in here, and start thinking about what they're thinking, that all changes, because when we have thoughts those thoughts create our feelings. If we think something negative about their thoughts about us, then we feel something negative. So, notice the problem is not other people thinking, the problem is what we think about their thinking. And I know this is kind of confusing in theory, so I'm going to give you a little example. So, if my daughter thinks that I never have time for her, she feels hurt, or disappointed, right? The thought that my mom doesn't have time for me, and she should, is what is creating her hurt, and disappointment. And maybe, theoretically of course, from her hurt, and disappointment she decides to act, and she says to me, "You never have time for me. You're always too busy for me." Notice that her thought in and of itself, "My mom doesn't have time for me," doesn't have the power to create any feelings inside of me. Even her words in and of themselves, "You never have time for me," don't have the power to create any feelings inside of me. But when I think about her thoughts, and I think about her words, my thoughts, and only my thoughts about what she thinks or what she says will create my feelings.

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So, if I think, she's right I'm the worst, then I will feel guilty. If I think, she never notices all the things I do for her, then I will feel misunderstood, and unappreciated. If I think, whatever I do it's never enough, I will feel resentful. But notice her thoughts about me can never create any feelings inside of me. I am in charge of the way I feel, and if I want to feel love, that is not up to her choosing the right thoughts about me. If I want to feel compassion and like and love, it's not up to her choosing kind sweet thoughts about me as her mother. It's always up to me and the thoughts I choose to think about her and the thoughts I choose to think about me. It is 100% okay for people to be wrong about you. It doesn't take anything away from you, it doesn't change your experience of them, and it doesn't affect you in any way until you have thoughts about it. I love the thought that, "It's okay for people to be wrong about me." That is their right, and whatever they choose it doesn't have to change me.

We can ask ourselves instead, "Who do I want to be? What do I want to feel or what experience do I want to have?" Nobody was better at this than Jesus Christ, right? Lots of people were wrong about him, lots of people are still wrong about him, but it doesn't change his love for them. It didn't change his actions on their behalf, and it didn't change how he felt about them, or prevent him from doing the work he came to do. He created his feelings about himself, about the work he was doing, and about us, and that created his experience.

When you find yourself wanting to correct someone, or have them think differently about you, you are in their model. And when you're in someone else's model you are powerless. Your power is always found in staying in your own model, deciding what you want to think, what you want to feel, what you want to do. The truth is, other people might not like you, right? But that tells us about them, and not you. So for example, I produced this podcast every week, some people, like you, really like it, right? Other people don't, believe it or not, there are a couple one star reviews on I-tunes, right? Believe it or not, this podcast is not for everybody. But does it mean that the podcast isn't, good? Like how would we know if it's good or bad. There isn't some like, empirical printout from the universe out there that says definitively if this podcast is good or bad, it's just an opinion created by the thoughts of the person listening. And it is exactly the same with other people's opinions of you.

Some people might not like you. Some people might like everything about you, but their opinions are just created by their thoughts that they have the right to choose. That's all it is. Their opinion then tells us about them, about what they like, about what they prefer. It doesn't tell us about you. It's like that old prophecy about Joseph Smith when the angel said, "His name would be known for both good, and ill," right? It wasn't him. He was the same man, but for some people he was a prophet, and for some people he was a charlatan. And those opinions are created by the thoughts of the people who were saying his name.

Okay so, that leads me to my next point. When other people don't like us, it doesn't have to hurt us. So, I just saw this post by Dave Butler this week on Instagram, and he was talking about how everybody is going back to school, and that by putting everybody back together we're taking a risk. And he said, "I'm not talking about the risk of Covid, right? I'm talking about the kind of risk that a mask won't solve." And then he said something so profound, right? He said, "I mean the other risk we've always taken, the one we took when we decided to come to Earth in the first place, to this scary place, full of people with hearts that are so fragile so easily broken by others." Right? And that is the risk, isn't it? That Heavenly Father took when he sent us all here to Earth, in families, in neighborhoods, and communities in countries in the world, that we wouldn't like each other, and that that would hurt. And I agree with Dave Butler, that we are all at risk, but where I want to make a distinction is that the very good news is that our hearts can not be easily broken by others.

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No one is that powerful. No one can break your heart without your own thoughts creating the feeling of heartbroken. The truth is, we are at risk of hurting ourselves all the time, right? With our thoughts. The risk of feeling bad, or getting our hearts broken, because other people don't say, or act, or like us like we think they should, is always just the risk of choosing thoughts that hurt us when we do. You are sharing this planet with other humans, and all those other humans won't always like you. They will think all kinds of thoughts about you, and it is their agency to do so. What we have to figure out is how to allow them to be who they are, and think what they think, and feel feelings of like, or dislike, without thinking our own thoughts that make us feel bad. Our own thoughts that hurt us. Whether those thoughts are about them, or whether they are thoughts about us, if we don't choose those thoughts purposefully they can create pain for us. What we get to control always, is what we think. That will create what we feel, and that will create our experience while we're here on Earth. And if we feel hurt, or brokenhearted, or mistreated, we feel so, because of the thoughts we are thinking.

And I think this is really beautiful news, because it makes us so much less vulnerable to the actions of regular human people who make mistakes, right? We aren't at the mercy of whether other people decide to think about us kindly. How we feel is determined exclusively by how we think about them, and about us. Other people don't cause our thoughts, and feelings, if they did it would take away our agency, and we would be beings that are acted upon. So, sometimes, I hear people describe other people as toxic, right? They'll say like, "Well he, or she is just a toxic person." And the reality is that no person has the power to poison you without your permission. When you are around them, you allow yourself to think toxic terrible things about yourself, but our thoughts are always a choice. You always have the power to manage your own thoughts regardless of what other people say or do.

Now, that doesn't mean that you have to spend lots of time hanging around with people that require you to constantly manage your mind. You can opt out of interacting with people who cause you to have to constantly redirect your thoughts, and neutralize thoughts that they are giving you. But remember, that you are a being with the power to act, that was your right given to you by a loving Heavenly Father. Who knew that you were going to come to Earth with people who would do and say all kinds of things to you. He gave you the right to choose your thoughts about them, and about yourself, so that no matter what, you would always have the power to create your own experience. So when you feel hurt, the work to do is to understand yourself, not to change other people to try to make them think differently. The work to do is to understand yourself, what you're thinking, what you're feeling. If you feel hurt, or betrayed, or mistreated, or broken hearted, examine your own thoughts with curiosity. What am I making that mean? What am I making what they think mean about me? What am I making it mean that they don't like me or that they said these things about me? What am I making their opinion mean about me, and my worth because that's the part that hurts?

Ask yourself, how am I using their words, or their thoughts, or their actions against myself? It is not a problem that you feel hurt, but your power to feel differently is in recognizing that if you feel hurt, you are hurting you with your own thoughts. It's not a problem that you feel misunderstood, or judged, but it's just so good to remember that you only feel that way because of what you're thinking, because of what you're choosing to think, not because of what they think. Always bring it back to you when people don't like you. Ask yourself, why does that bother me? Right, so what am I making it mean? Because all of that is your thoughts. These are really good questions to ask yourself to help you understand what's really going on for you. What you really think about you, because that is the only problem ever, right? The only problem I ever have is a problem that I have created with my own thoughts, right?

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Every time, it's never a problem created by the opinions of other people. It's never a problem created by the opinion of my child, or the thoughts of my spouse, or my neighbor, or my friend from church, or the stranger on Facebook, or my mother in law. It's never the opinion of what anyone outside of me thinks, that is not the problem. None of that creates my problems. I create every problem I have 100% of the time, by the way that I think about me, and the way that I think about them. And that is so powerful to know.

Relationships, all relationships are amazing, because they show us our own brains, they show us our own thoughts. Whether it's our relationship with our husband, or our relationships with like a relative stranger on Facebook, that other person provides us with a perfect opportunity to see what we think about ourselves. They are a vehicle for bringing up our own relationship with ourself, and the work that we need to do. They show us where our own thought work is.

So, for example, I'm currently in this coaching mastermind with like 23 other amazing coaches, and every week we get on this call together, and sometimes on these calls I would find myself feeling all this negative emotion, right? I was sometimes defensive, and frustrated, and irritated, and I don't like this. I talked to my coach about it, because I didn't like showing up like this, I didn't like who I was in those moments. And a big part of me just wanted these other people to be different, so that I didn't have to feel bad, right? So that I didn't have to feel irritated, or jealous, or defensive, or whatever it was that I was feeling, right? And my coach said, "Whatever they are triggering in you, is where your work on you is." Right? Like whatever they are bringing up for you, is where your relationship with you needs work. Where you aren't believing amazing things about yourself, and where your own thoughts, and insecurities about yourself are.

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She said this is the perfect opportunity to ask yourself, what's going on for me, right? Not what's going on for them, but what's going on for me? What are the thoughts that I need to work on in order to feel better about myself, and my coaching? So, asking this question what's going on for me, not them, but what's going on for me that this hurts me? What am I believing about myself that makes this hurt? Will give you so much more traction, and I think it's one of the reasons we are having this Earth-life experience together with other humans, because other people show us where our own work is. We want it to be their work, right? We want to just give it back to them and blame them for how we feel, but it is always our work to do.

So, you guys we're about to go into election season, right? We're still dealing with Covid, and the mask no mask controversy, right? And we're seeing example, after example, of terrible racism, and in every case we are dealing with the effects of the thoughts of other people. Other people have thoughts, and they aren't the same as yours, I'm sorry to say, right? Other people have opinions even about you, and all of this gives you an incredible opportunity to learn about yourself, and to take responsibility for your own thoughts. You don't ever get to control the thoughts of other people, they get to have whatever opinion they want about you, or about anything else. And so, our work is always to examine our own thoughts, to be honest with ourselves about what we really think about them, and about us, and to decide the thoughts we want to think on purpose.

Okay guys that's what I have for you today I hope it helps. Remember it's not a problem that you care what other people think of you. Your brain is working, and that is a good thing, but we don't have to just accept the thoughts our brain gives us automatically. We aren't in any actual danger, right? And we have the power to question those instinctive thoughts, and fears about what other people think about us. Amazingly our thoughts about what other people think are only our own projections, our own thoughts about ourselves, and we always have the power to choose our thoughts about us, instead of just continuing to accept what our brain says about our unacceptableness. This means that other people can't hurt us. But in fact, we only ever hurt ourselves, and the more responsible we are for the way we feel, and the more curious we can get about what we're making their opinions mean about us, the better we can feel. Because their opinions and their thoughts don't have to hurt us. Every person we interact with while we're here on Earth has thoughts. But your experience is 100% created by the thoughts that you think, not the thoughts that they think.

And that my friends is 100% awesome! I love you for listening and I'll see you next week!

Thanks so much for joining me on the podcast today. If you want to take the things that I've talked about and apply them to your life sign up for a free coaching session at aprilpricecoaching.com This is where the real magic happens and your life starts to change forever believing your life is 100% awesome is totally available to every one of us. And as your coach. I'll show you exactly how to do that so that you can truly love your Earth-life experience the way things are is not the way things have to stay.

And that my friends is 100% awesome!