Episode 95: Getting Around the Brain’s Pain Paradox

Welcome to the 100% Awesome Podcast with April Price, you might not know it, but every result in your life is 100% because of the thought you think. And that, my friends, is 100% awesome!

Hello, podcast universe! Welcome to episode 95 of the 100% Awesome Podcast. I'm April Price, and I want to welcome each of you here to the podcast. It is such an honor to have you listening to my voice, and taking up space in your brain, and in your world, and in your life experience. I appreciate your trust, and I hope that the time that you spend here with me listening to this podcast will help you really love your Earth-life experience. And I hope that the ideas that I share will allow you to have more, and create more of the experiences that you want while you're here on Earth.

So, a couple of things I want to mention to you before we get started. So first, as you know, we are at episode 95, and that means we are only five episodes away from a 100, obviously, right? I can do math alright. Anyway, I am trying to get a 100 podcast reviews by the time we get to 100 episodes, so I would love it if the podcast has been helpful to you, if you would leave a review. David told me today that we're like one-hundred and one rating, so, thank you so much. If you've got on there, and left a rating, and left to review, it means so much to me. And so, I know it's not easy to review, right? Your brain is like that sounds like more effort, and I really want to make today, but I hope you will overcome your brain, and just leave a review anyway, okay? If you just scroll to the bottom of the podcast page, you'll see a little purple link there that says leave a review, and you can click on that and just leave a sentence, or two about why you love the podcast. It would be so awesome. It means a ton to me, and it will help other people find the podcast as well.

And then, I'm going to take everyone that has left review and draw a couple of people randomly at the end of this, and send them a package of awesomeness. I was thinking like some wireless headphones, and a couple of my favorite books, some of my favorite treats, right? So, leave a review, or you can put a post on your social media feed about one of the episodes that has helped you, and if you tag me, then I will be able to see it, and I will add you to that drawing as well, okay?

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And then, the other thing that I want you to know is that I am getting ready to launch my next group. And I cannot tell you how awesome this group coaching program is. I am so proud of it. Like it is, of course, always so powerful to be able to be coached, right? But sometimes I think it is even more helpful to see other people being coached. Like you just see your brain in a way that you hadn't before, and the things that your brain is telling you feel so much less true, and you have so much less judgment for it when you see it in other people's brains, when you see other people's brains working in the same way. And I am convinced that is the most effective, powerful coaching container that there is. And because of that, I am moving more, and more of my coaching program to the small group setting. I love it, my clients love it, and the results that they are creating are just awesome.

So, the next group starts in April, April 1st actually, and applications for that are going to be opening the first of March. But if you want to get early access to the application, and so that you can be sure to get a spot in that next group, you need to get on my interest list. And to do that, you just go to my website, aprilpricecoaching.com. And right on the front page of the website, you'll see a button there that allows you to get on the interest list, and get first access to the application for the next group, okay? So, if you want to change your life, and you want to change the way you think about yourself forever, the best way to do that is to hire me to be your coach, and to be a part of our next group. And you'll want to apply early, like early applications start next week, so go join that list. I won't be starting another group until June, so get on the list and get your spot. You can get all the information about that on my website. Like I said, aprilpricecoaching.com.

Okay, today I thought I would talk about two of the most common questions I get as a coach, and I want to approach these questions in a little bit different way. So, as people start to incorporate the ideas that I talk about here on the podcast, and start to consider what it would mean to think differently about their lives, and what it would be like to create different results in their lives, they often come up against some common roadblocks. Meaning that even though we are all different, of course, and our life experiences are all different, and there's like so much variation in our individual circumstances because we all have a human brain, what gets in the way for us of like making the changes we really want to make is almost always the same. And as I have thought about this more and more, I'm starting to think that like what is really getting in the way of us getting different things in our lives, is pain. And I know that sounds kind of odd, but I want you to go with me here for a minute, and consider that this idea might be true, okay? So, first of all, as I talk about pain in this episode, what I mean is like negative emotion of some kind.

So, throughout this podcast, I'm going to refer to pain, or discomfort, and I'm talking about the negative emotion that our brain is creating for us, okay? And I think that pain, or this negative emotion is keeping most of us from the things we really want, because for the most part, we each have a deep human desire to avoid pain, right? To avoid pain, to get rid of pain, to solve for pain, to live a life that is pain free. And here is the craziest thing, we want to avoid pain, our brain wants to avoid pain, but our brain is actually the thing in our life, creating our pain. In other words, what gets in the way is pain, and the fact that our brain is always trying to solve for pain, or avoid pain. But then, the greatest irony of all is that our brain always is the only thing actually creating our pain, okay?

So, today I want to answer two questions that I get a lot as a coach and as I answer them, I want to show you how being aware of your own brain's tendency to want to avoid pain, well, actually being the source of your pain can really help you understand yourself better so that you can then create the life you want. So, the first question that I get all the time is why don't I do what I want to do, okay? Like I have things in my life that I think I want to be doing, and I tell myself I want to be doing them, and sometimes I even make a plan to do them. But when the moment of doing comes, I don't do them. And why don't I do what I say I want to do? And the really simple answer is that we're trying to avoid pain. Our brain always wants the easiest, most pleasurable, least painful, most energy efficient way to the things that we want. It wants the path of least resistance. And when we go to do things in our life, doing them is never the path of least resistance, right? Not doing is the easiest, not doing is more pleasurable, and less painful, and takes less energy. And so, in any present moment, what the brain wants is to not do anything. And we don't really realize that, right? We think because we want a certain result in our life, that that means that our brain should also want to do the work to get that result. But this is never the case, our brain never wants to. And I think that this actually gets in the way because we expect our brain to want to work.

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So, as I have thought about this for myself, and my clients, here's what I think is really happening. When we want to do something in our lives, accomplish something, or achieve something, or create something, or love something, right? First, we think that doing this thing shouldn't be painful. It shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't be hard. And then, we think that if it is hard, and it is painful, that that shouldn't bother our brain. Our brain shouldn't protest to the pain. So, for example, we think losing weight, and eating less shouldn't be hard, okay? But if it is hard, then we think our brain shouldn't complain about it, and it shouldn't produce a whole bunch of negative emotion about it. We think like publishing a podcast, and opening ourselves up to rejection, or criticism shouldn't be hard. But then, if it is hard, we also think that our brain shouldn't whine about it. It shouldn't produce shame, and fear, and vulnerability, and inadequacy, when we go to do it like we think.

First of all, it shouldn't be hard, but if it is, my brain shouldn't produce all this negative emotion about it. My brain should be totally okay with the hard, and it shouldn't make it harder. By producing all this painful emotion about it, we expect our brain to be different than it is. And that is the problem. We are surprised by our brains protest. We are surprised by the fear it creates. We are surprised by the anxiety it produces. We are surprised, by the resistance, it gives us, like we're just totally shocked. First of all, that it's hard, and then we're shocked that our brain doesn't want to do it, okay? And like, notice that even in the question, why don't I do what I say I want to do? There is just like utter surprise that we're not doing these things, right? We're surprised because we aren't expecting it to be hard. And if it is hard, we aren't expecting our brain to be so bothered by it, right? Like, even the question itself implies that, like, this is just really surprising, and shocking, that I don't go do hard things, right? We're just so surprised that our brain doesn't want to do them.

So, what we have to do is first stop expecting it not to be hard, and we have to stop expecting our brain not to protest, okay? This is what brains do. It's not what your brain does, it's what all brains do, they protest, they don't like the hard. And anything outside your usual status quo is hard. And the way brains protest to that hard is by producing negative emotion, by producing pain, your brain is creating pain to get you to stop. So, the truth is, it's not a problem that it's hard, and it's not a problem that our brain is producing all this pain, and negative emotion. But we have to stop waiting for those two things to be different before we can act. We can get anything we want, we can create anything in our lives if we don't need it to be easy. And we don't need our brain not to create pain for us like it's hard. And my brain is going to produce a whole bunch of negative emotion about it.

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But that doesn't have to matter, right? The pain doesn't have to matter. The pain is just how my brain gets me to stop and not do things. But if I know that, if I know that I'm going to have pain, and that in fact my own brain created that pain. If I can accept that, and not need it to be easy, or pain free, then there is nothing that I can't have, or create. Like if I don't have to feel good, there is nothing that I can't have. If I don't have to feel amazing, or confident, or safe, then there is nothing I can't try. Like if you want to do the things you say you want to do, the only price is feeling bad. That is what is required, feeling bad. And so, the question should no longer be what do I want to do with my life? But, do I want to do this thing enough to feel bad?

So, last weekend, my brother David came into town to run a 100k race. One hundred kilometers, which is over sixty-two miles, right? As one client said to me today, "Like on his legs?" Like yes, sixty-two miles running on his legs, right? Out in the desert, right? And the thing is he wants to run these races, no one makes him run these races. He likes running ultra-marathons, okay? His last big race was one-hundred miles, right? But when he goes to run these races, he never expects there not to be pain, right? He never expects that his brain is going to be okay with it. He knows the requirement for running the race is discomfort, and he doesn't expect it to be different than that. And I just want you to think for a minute what would be possible for you if you didn't expect it, or need it to be comfortable, right? Like if you expected pain, and you didn't see pain as a legitimate reason not to do the things you want to do. Like, it's a really interesting question, right? Like what could I accomplish, and create in my life if I accepted that pain was going to be part of the process?

So, anyway, I drove him to the airport the morning after his race, and I was just like, so curious about his brain, right? Like, I was just like what is happening in his brain that is not happening in mine, right? Like, what is he thinking that allows him to run, and keep running when his whole body, and his brain are screaming at him to stop, right? And so, I asked him, like, "What is it, David? What is it that your brain tells you, right?" Because, like, we all have a story, right? We all have thoughts that our brain uses to get us to stop, and to give up, and to quit, and to take the easy road, and to not do these things that we've asked it to do, right? We all have like thoughts that our brain is giving us. And I was just so curious about what those thoughts are for him. I was curious about what his brain tried to tell him while he was out on that course to try to get him to stop. And he said, "Well, the truth is my brain never says let’s stop, right? It never says let's just stop running, because it knows that that thought is not going to work on me. I just don't stop, right?" And he said, "What my brain says is, let's just slow down. Let's just ease up a little bit." Like what? He's running a seven-minute mile, and he's at mile twenty-four, right? His brain is saying, hey, let's just slow down. Hey, like, let's do a ten-minute mile, right? He said like a ten-minute mile just sounds like total luxury to him at that point, right?

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And then, he said something that I've been thinking a lot about. He said "Our brains know us, they know what works on us. My brain knows I'm not going to stop, so it doesn't even go there. Instead, it says, let's just slow down. Let's just ease up a little bit, because if it can get me to slow down, and slow down, and slow down, then I start to get discouraged about my slow progress, and the length of the course, and how long I've been out there, and how long I've been in pain, right? And there's a chance over time, if it slows me down enough, that I might give up, and the brain can get what it wants, right?

And I want you to really think about that for a minute. You have all these things that you want to do in your life. What does your brain tell you to get you to stop? Okay, what is the thought that works on you? Your brain knows you, it knows what works, it knows how to get you to stop. So, what is your brain using on you most often to get you to not do the things that you want to do, right? I was talking to my clients about this this morning in our group, and one of them says, "Well, it tells me I'm not qualified, I'm not smart enough, I'm not qualified, right? Another one said just tells me it's impossible, it's never going to work. And another one said, like, it always tells me we can just do it tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow, will start tomorrow. For me, like my brain always loves to say, it doesn't matter, right? The things you're doing don't matter, none of it matters. Just stop, right? So, I want you to just think about it for a minute. What does your brain say to you? How does it get you to stop, to quit, to give up, to not do the things you want to do? What does it say to you to try to avoid pain, the pain that it created, by the way, right?

I'm like whenever you notice that thought, the thought that your brain serves you personally, then you can just ignore it. You don't even have to think something else. You know, okay, this is the tool that my brain uses, it's just a thought. It's just a tactic to try to avoid the pain of whatever it is that I've asked it to do, right? And we don't have to listen to it at all. Once you are aware of the thought that your brain gives you, most often it's like your personal kryptonite, right? Then you can recognize it for what it is when it shows up, you can just let it go, and ignore it, and not give it any attention or consideration. But remember that the thought is there to alleviate your pain, or try to solve for the pain that you are in, right? The thought is only there to be able to reduce your pain, and keep you out of, like, future pain, or potential pain, right? But to do the things you want to do, pain is required, discomfort is required. And if we're okay with that pain, or negative emotion, then we can stop listening to the thoughts that are trying to get us out of pain. And here again is the most amazing thing that I want to re-emphasize for you. All the pain we feel is created by our own brains anyway. It's the craziest thing. Our brain is trying to do anything to avoid the negative emotion created by doing new things, right? It's trying to avoid fear, and anxiety, and stress, and inadequacy, and failure. But it is the one creating all of that in the first place.

Okay, the next question that I get all the time is about love, and how to love other people, right? So, as you know, I talk a lot about this idea that other people don't have to change, and other people don't have to be different in order for us to love them. We don't have to wait for other people to be different before we get to feel love for them. And I think it's just like an amazing way to live. But what people ask me then is, well, wait a minute, April, right? Like, if I love people as they are, if I accept them as they are, then isn't all of this just like on me? Like, if I love them, then they're off the hook somehow, and now it's all totally up to me. I have to change, and I have to be different, and they just going to be the same. And isn't that unfair, right? Like, why does it have to be all up to me?

Now, again, I want to help you answer this question in terms of your brain's desire to avoid pain. When we deal with difficult people, or when we find it hard to love other people, or we feel like some sort of negative emotion about them, that feels terrible, it's painful, right? Remember, we're labeling negative emotion as pain, right? And your brain thinks that this other person, by doing what they do, or acting the way they act, or saying what they say, right? That they are creating our pain, that they are the source of your negative emotion. And the only problem with this is that if their behavior is the source of your pain, then their behavior is also the solution to your pain. And then, we have to get them to change, and be different in order to feel better, right? Like our brain, of course, is on a mission to have less pain, and to avoid pain, and the things that for sure, I gotta control all these people in the world, and control how they behave, so that I can have less pain.

But the truth is, what is really happening is your brain has mis-identified the source of its pain, and is trying to solve for the pain by solving the wrong problem. Your brain has, like, mis-attributed your pain to other people. It thinks that other people have the power to create your pain, or your negative emotion, but no one can make you feel bad. If they could, you would completely lose your agency, you would be a being that is acted upon, and then the whole plan of God would be frustrated. And what this means is that we create our pain every time with our thoughts. People act, people make choices, and then we have thoughts about those actions, and this creates our pain. Our interpretation is always the thing creating our pain. And this is why it's always up to you to feel better, because you are the creator of your pain. And so, you are the only solution to that pain, your thoughts create your pain. And so, the only solution for relief from that pain is choosing different thoughts. And I know it doesn't feel like that, right? To your brain, it feels like, well, hey, that's not fair, they get to do what they want and I have to be okay with that. But it's only because you have given them the credit for your pain. It's only because you don't really know that you are the source of your pain, that your brain is the source of your own pain.

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So, I just want to give you a little example of this to help you see what I mean, okay? So, right now, as you know, we live in a world where there is this thing called the coronavirus. It's been like a year since it showed up in the United States, and we are still there. And I don't know how you feel about wearing masks, but it's a really good case study to figure out, like how we are creating our own pain. So, no matter where you are on the mask issue, you can use this, and apply it, and see how you create your own pain. So, let's say, for example, that you believe that wearing masks is a good thing, and that it helps keep people safe. Okay, now when other people don't wear masks, maybe you feel annoyed, maybe you feel threatened, maybe you feel angry, right? And it feels like in those moments that other people, and whether or not they are wearing a mask is creating these painful negative feelings inside of you, by choosing not to wear a mask, right? When, in fact, you feel annoyed, right? Because you have a thought like, hey, it's not that hard for people to wear a mask. Or you feel threatened when you think they don't care about my health, and safety. Or maybe you feel angry when you think like they should be thinking about somebody else beside themselves, right? But notice that feeling annoyed, or threatened, or angry is what you have to feel. It is punishing you.

They are making a choice, and then you are punishing you by feeling all this negative emotion. And I'm not saying you shouldn't, you are allowed to create whatever pain you want for yourself, but it's powerful to know that you don't have to. What we really don't understand is that we are punishing ourselves, we are creating our pain. And if we really understood this, we would see the solution to less pain is not controlling other people, but controlling ourselves, controlling our own thoughts about those other people. And you don't have to, I promise you, you do not have to think about them differently. You could keep doing it the way you're doing it, and punishing yourself. You can feel as angry, and as annoyed, and as threatened as you want. But if you want to feel better, then you are going to have to think differently. You could stop punishing yourself, and free yourself if you want, and it will be more fun, right? Your life will feel a little bit better. It will be more fun for you, if you don't have to go through that.

Okay so, when we give up our painful emotions, it is always something that we do for us, not for them. If I choose to feel love instead of anger, I'm the one that feels it. They're not going to feel anything, right? They won't be on the hook, or off the hook. They won't be feeling anything. And the truth is, if it is unfair, what's really unfair is that we are punishing ourselves for what they choose to do. What's really unfair is that we are feeling pain for a choice that someone else is making. And you don't have to give your emotional life over to someone else. They aren't even good at wearing masks, they aren't going to be good at taking care of your emotions, right? And when we understand that, it's so much easier to change our thoughts. You start to see so clearly that, of course, it's up to you to change because your brain is the one creating it.

Loving is always something we do for us, and here's why. If we feel love, if we create love, if we experience love, we are the only ones that feel it. Feelings are always a personal physical experience that we have in our bodies. So, if I feel anything, it is an experience that I am having inside my body. We tend to think that loving is something we do for other people, that we're obliged to do it, then we're obligated to do it. But loving is never something we do for others. Other people can't feel our love, we only ever feel the love that we create. And when we choose not to love, we only punish ourselves. We create pain. When we choose love, we are doing something for us, we are choosing to feel love. They get to do whatever they want, and you get to feel whatever you want.

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So, to wrap that up, I want you to remember that we have a deep human desire to avoid pain, right? To get rid of pain, to solve for pain, and as much as possible, to live a life that is free of pain. Our brains instinctively shy away from pain, right? They do whatever they can to minimize the pain in our lives. And to that end, they try to stop us from doing the things we really want to do. And they keep us from loving like we really want to, right? Our brains are busy doing all this stuff to protect itself from pain. But ironically, that same brain is always the true source of our pain, right? The only thing that ever causes our pain is our own thinking. And whether that pain is created when we go to do something in our lives, or whether it's pain created when we think that people should be different than they are, the cause of that pain is always our own thinking. The cause is always our own brain. And that means that it is the solution as well. If you find yourself feeling more pain than you want to feel, recognize that it is created by your own brain and that you don't have to change anything outside of you to feel better. And that, my friends, is 100% awesome. I love you for listening and I'll see you next week.

Applications for my group coaching program made for more are now open at aprilpricecoaching.com. Your brain was program for survival, but you were made for more than that. You were made for more love and more accomplishment and more joy right now. And I can show you the simple way to get all of that. Join me in May for more where we will spend six-months coaching and reprogramming your brain so that you can get the most out of this life. And the next go to aprilpricecoaching.com to apply. And I'll see you there!