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Better Sex is in Your Head

Jun 30, 2022
April Price Coaching
Better Sex is in Your Head
27:52
 

Better Sex is In Your Head

Every area of our life is created by the thoughts we think—including our sexual experience. If we think thoughts that create shame or frustration or guilt or resentment, that’s going to make an impact on the kind of experience we are having. If we nurture thoughts that create hope, curiosity, compassion, fun, joy, or excitement, those thoughts are going to create something entirely different.

Most of the thoughts we have about sex have been given to us by others. We receive message from our parents, our culture and society, our religious and church leaders, movies and media…and for the most part these thoughts go unquestioned and unexamined, especially because many of us feel uncomfortable talking about sex.

In today’s podcast episode, I’m sharing how I changed my thoughts about sex and pleasure and offer you an opportunity to examine your own thoughts and then intentionally decide what you want to think and believe. If you want to change any part of your sexual experience you can start by changing what’s happening in your head.

Better Sex is an Important Part of Your Life

On a recent coaching call, I was coaching some of my clients and I was coaching someone who's been married for almost three decades, and I was coaching someone who has not been married very long. And they both expressed very similar frustrations in the results that they're getting in their most intimate, cherished relationships, and especially when it comes to their sex lives. 

And our sex lives are a really huge component of our lives. And having a fulfilling, enjoyable sexual relationship is just an important part of loving your Earth life experience. And that is what I am trying to help all of you do. And quite frankly, this is an area of our lives that I don't think that we talk enough about. 

  • How do we have more pleasure?
  • How do we feel better about our experience? 
  • How do we enjoy it more? 
  • How do we increase the connection we have with our partner in this area of our life? 
  • What do I do with all these thoughts that I've inherited right from my culture, from my upbringing, from my church?

Just like any other thought in our lives, we can question our thoughts about sex. We can decide:

  • Are these thoughts serving me? 
  • Are they creating the experience I want? 
  • Are they making me feel the way I want in my sexual relationship? 

And we can question them and decide what we want to think in this area of our lives as well.

And also let me just say at the outset, you do not have to adopt any thought that I share with you today. I am not here to change your thoughts. I'm just here to offer you a chance to look at your own thoughts and decide what you want to believe, decide intentionally what you want to think so that it can use hose thoughts to create the results that you want in your life.

Your Sex Life as a Garden

Dr. Emily Nagoski, in her book, Come As You Are, offers this metaphor of your sexual life being like a garden. And that it is planted with all the thoughts and beliefs and like traditions that you have inherited. 

And for the most part, a lot of the things that are planted in your garden, like you didn't put them there, they were just given to you. You inherited them, and a lot of times were taking care of this garden that we don't like, we've kind of outgrown or we don't really like, or we wish was different in some way.

Put a fence around your garden

You need to put a fence around your garden and that fence keeps out your shame. That fence keeps out the critic inside, it keeps out the part of you that wants to criticize or make you wrong. Shame is one of those big emotions that really inhibits our sex life and really prevents us from getting the results we want. We end up hiding and not looking at it, at what we're creating, and instead we want to bring everything out in the open. 

Decide you won’t shame yourself and decide you’re going to approve of your decisions and your work here in this area of your life.

Water your garden with self-compassion

Always water that garden with self-compassion. As I go to create the garden that I want, as I go to plant the thoughts that I want, as I go to create the experiences I want, I'm going to have so much self-compassion.

As you go to examine what thoughts are planted in your sexual garden, what thoughts you believe about yourself, about your body, about your capacity for pleasure, about if you deserve pleasure, as you look at all those thoughts and maybe replant them or replace them or plant new seeds of things that you want to think that fence of keeping the shame out and watering your thoughts with self-compassion—these are going to be so useful in growing that garden.

Your Thoughts Create the Quality of Your Sex Life

I know that the results in my life are always created by my thoughts. That's how it is in my business. That's how it is with my health. That's how it is with my money. That's how it is with feelings about God and my spirituality, in every area of my life, the results I get are created by my thoughts. 

And it is not different in my sex life. And it is no different in yours. And if you want to have a different experience in your sex life, you can change it. 

Here’s some things to keep in mind as you go to do this work:

  • You don’t have to be in a hurry
  • You are not broken, you are learning
  • There is nothing wrong with you

You do not have to be in a hurry. There is nothing wrong with you and whatever results you're getting in this area of your life, it's just created by your thoughts, most of them, and probably you've gone your whole life without examining them, and that is not a problem. And what we want to do today is just start to notice them, just to start to put some attention on them.

One of the ways that you can first start to do this is just ask yourself, what are my main emotions when I think about my sex life? What are the main emotions that come up for me? And that can be an indication of what you're thinking and the quality of your thoughts. Gently ask yourself, like, what am I feeling most often? 

And just know that all of those feelings are coming downstream of your thoughts. And so, if you aren't feeling the way you want, then you just know there's some work to do here and I can change things. And that's also really hopeful. If it's created by your thoughts, then you have the power to change it. You have way more power than you think you do.

New Thoughts to Consider for Better Sex

So, I want today to give you some other thoughts to consider that I think can give you a different experience when it comes to your sex life. And if you want that to be different, if you want it to be better, I would really encourage you to look at what your current thoughts are and really just like, what am I willing to shift? What am I willing to believe? What am I willing to give up? And what am I willing to start believing in order to change that?

1. You Deserve Pleasure and Pleasure is Good

The first thought that I want to offer you is that you deserve pleasure and that pleasure is good. I like to remember that my capacity for pleasure is actually a gift from God, that it comes from Him. 

And I also just along with that, I just want you to know that while you deserve it and while it is good, it doesn't necessarily mean that we know how to have it in our bodies. You are not supposed to just come as the expert in your pleasure. It takes learning. It takes experimentation. It takes practice it. It takes getting to know you and you are on a journey of learning and that journey is 100% personal. Your pleasure is personal. Your body is different than anybody else's. And you get to understand and learn how you receive pleasure. You cannot do this wrong. It is just getting to know yourself. And it is a practice that you get to nurture and enjoy and cultivate for your entire life. 

Your pleasure is going to change over the course of your life, and you just get to continually learn about yourself. When you know that you deserve it and that it is good, then you can actively take the action in your life to figure it out and to create more of it.

2 You are not broken.

The second thought that I want to give you that was really useful to me and I hope will be useful to you is the thought that you are not broken. So, what we often see portrayed in the media, in books and movies like the story that we get all the time, is that sex is easy and natural and pleasure is easy and natural and like climax is easy and natural, and that if it's not that way for you, that you are broken. And I just want you to know that what is being portrayed is usually the exception, not the rule. 

And even if it was the rule, it doesn't matter if it's a different experience for you, it doesn't make you wrong. We live in a culture that is very like male centric and is portrayed like the male centric view of sex. And that is not necessarily and in fact, that is not usually the same way that women receive their pleasure. 

3. You can have as much pleasure as anyone else.

Pleasure isn’t just reserved for other people. It's not reserved for people who are different than you, have different bodies than you, those who have different like hormones or different sex drives or different levels of desire. No, you can have as much pleasure as anyone else. 

And it's not a problem if you don't understand how to do that yet. Again, we're going to just allow ourselves to like to understand ourselves, learn about ourselves and have compassion and curiosity all along the way. 

4. You can figure out how you receive pleasure.

If you haven’t figured out how you receive pleasure, it’s not a problem. You think you should be there already, but you shouldn't be. It's just a practice of getting to know yourself. When I got frustrated, my coach kept telling me over and over, What do you have to lose? All you're doing is getting to know yourself better, understand your body better, understand what you enjoy, what is delightful, what brings you pleasure. You have nothing to lose by having this be a long journey and it can just be enjoyable. 

It's just a commitment to learning about yourself and understanding that that's totally normal. We all have to do it. We all have a body. We all have to learn about ourselves. Kristen Hodson wrote, “Whether it's talking to our kids about sex, talking to our partner, about our sex relationship or improving the quality of our own sexual experience, it's all a series of skills that we can develop and practice. None of this happens by way of a magical download.”

I really want to emphasize that you are just building skills like you are allowed to develop and practice. You're developing skills for your own sexual pleasure. And I want you to have compassion for yourself along the way.

5. There is power in taking responsibility for your own pleasure.

Sometimes in in our sexual relationship, we want to blame our partner or we want to blame maybe the culture we grew up in or we want to blame something else outside of us. And I found that the most useful thing for me was to say, “If this was all up to me, what would I need to do to get the results that I want?” and putting the responsibility back on me for my pleasure.

It's my job to know how I receive pleasure, and it's my job to create that. And that means I can talk to my partner about it, but it's on me to understand it. And that is so empowering because it totally removed so much resentment and frustration in my relationship.

I was giving the job to my husband and it isn't his job. My pleasure is always my job. And that is so powerful to know. 

6. You are the expert in your own pleasure.

Nobody else knows you and your pleasure except you. And if you don't know, then it's your job to figure it out. You are the expert, even as you're learning. You can just ask yourself simply, Does that feel good? Yes or no? You are the expert. It can be that simple.

7. Climax is not the goal.

When we think there is only one goal, we can create a lot of pressure around that and we can have a lot of frustration. And so for me, I had to take a lot of pressure off the destination, like that it wasn't worth it unless I got somewhere, and I had to put my focus on pleasure.

Start to notice how pleasure feels in all areas of your life. Open your radar to how good your life can feel in so many areas and really like making pleasure your goal. And it's really important that you remember that your brain is your biggest sex organ. And pleasure is always an option. Think about how you can use your brain to notice and pursue pleasure as the goal itself.

Choose Better Sex for Yourself

There's so much good that can come out of exploring our thoughts about our sex lives. And I really want you to just ask yourself:

  • What do I believe right now? 
  • What are the thoughts right now? 
  • And what are they creating for me? 
  • How do I feel? 
  • How does that influence the actions I'm taking? 
  • How does that create the results? 
  • And do I want to keep those thoughts? 

You are not obligated to keep any thought in your life in this area or in any other. You get to decide. You get to choose for yourself, what thoughts do I want? And the way that I determine that is I look at what it creates when I believe this. I want you to know that your pleasure was designed by God and it is good, and you are entitled to as much of it as you want.

If you want help with this, I would love to coach you on it. You can sign up for a free coaching call any time. We can talk about this or any other day of your life where your thoughts are getting in the way of what you want to create. 

 


Episode Transcript

Welcome to the 100% Awesome Podcast with April Price. You might not know it, but every result in your life is 100% because of the thought you think. And that, my friends, is 100% awesome.

Hello podcast universe! Welcome to Episode 165 of the 100% Awesome Podcast. I'm April Price, I am so excited to be with you today. I have a great episode planned for you, but I just want to say at the outset that this might not be an episode for the whole family. Okay, this might not be an episode for everyone to listen to on their way to Grandma and Grandpa's house, going on a summer vacation. And so, you may or may not want to play it with little ears around, but it is something that I have wanted to talk about for a really long time, and that's our sexual intimate relationships.

And, you know, I haven't I kept putting it off and putting it off because I kept thinking, like, well, you know, I have parents that listen to this podcast, I have kids, I have brothers and sisters, I have people that I go to church with that are hearing this podcast. And like, actually, like, I understand that all those people know that I am having sex, but maybe they don't really want to think about it. But anyway, like on a recent coaching call, I was coaching some of my clients and I was coaching someone who's been married for almost three decades, and I was coaching someone who is just not been married very long. And they're both expressing very similar frustrations in the results that they're getting, you know, in their most intimate, cherished relationships, and especially when it comes to their sex lives. And I just think that our sex lives are a really huge component of our lives. And having a fulfilling, enjoyable sexual relationship is just an important part of loving your Earth life experience.

And that is why I'm here. That is what I am trying to help all of you do. And quite frankly, this is an area of our lives that I don't think that we talk enough about. How do we have more pleasure? How do we feel better about our experience? How do we enjoy it more? How do we increase the connection we have with our partner in this area of our life? And like, what do I do with all these thoughts that I've inherited right from my culture, from my upbringing, from my church, and like just like any other thought in our lives, we can question these thoughts, right? We can decide, are these thoughts serving me? Are they creating the experience I want? Are they making me feel the way I want in my sexual relationship? And we can question them and decide what we want to think in this area of our lives as well.

So, if you are not super comfortable with me talking about this, then you can catch me again next week. But before you go, I just want to invite you to get really super curious about why you're uncomfortable and what are the thoughts you have that make you uncomfortable? And maybe you want to loosen some of those up, maybe you don't want to keep all of those, okay? And also let me just say at the outset, you do not have to adopt any thought that I share with you today. I am not here to change your your thoughts. I'm just here to, like, offer you a chance to look at your own thoughts and decide what you want to believe, decide intentionally what you want to think so that it can create those thoughts, can create the results that you want in your life, okay?

So, I want to start by just giving a little metaphor. There's a woman name, Emily Nagorski. And Dr. Nagorski has a book called Come As You Are, and in there, she offers this metaphor of your sexual life being like a garden, right? And that it is planted with all the thoughts and beliefs and like traditions that, you know, you've kind of inherited. Like you just sort of like stepped in this garden and you, you know, for the most part, a lot of the things and thoughts that are planted in your garden, like you didn't put them there, they were just given to you. You inherited them, and a lot of times were just like sort of like taking care of this garden that we don't like, we've kind of outgrown or we don't really like, or we wish was different in some way. And she talks about a couple of elements that I just want to introduce here as we talk about this.

And she talks about first that you need to put a fence around your garden and that fence keeps out your shame, right? That keeps out the critic inside, it keeps out the part of you that wants to criticize or make you wrong. You know, shame is one of those big emotions that really inhibits our sex life and really prevents us from getting the results we want. We end up hiding and not looking at it, at what we're creating, and instead we want to bring everything out in the open. And so, she really talks about like as you go to do this work in your life and change your thoughts and plant the thoughts that you want, that you need to put a fence around that garden where you like, decide for yourself, I'm not going to shame myself and I'm going to like approve of my decisions and my work here in this area of my life.

And then she says, always water that garden with self-compassion. So, I'm going to keep shame out and then I'm going to have compassion for myself as I go to create the garden that I want, as I go to plant the thoughts that I want, as I go to like create the experiences I want, I'm going to have so much self-compassion for me and I'm just going to like water that garden with self-compassion. And these two elements about like really deciding, I'm not going to be ashamed and I'm going to have self-compassion are so useful as you're going to do this work, as you go to work on that garden. And you go to like really examine what thoughts are planted in there, what thoughts you believe about yourself, about your body, about your capacity for pleasure, about your if you deserve pleasure, is you going to look at all those thoughts and maybe replant them or replace them or plant new seeds of things that you want to think? That fence of keeping the shame out and the self-compassion are going to be so useful in growing that garden.

So, just as a little bit of a background, I, as you know, came to coaching many years ago and I worked on a lot of areas of my life. But last year, last spring, I decided like I really want to use this work to improve my sex life. I really want to have a different relationship with my pleasure, with myself, like with my body, with my husband. There are things that I did not like and I knew that they could be better. I knew that the results in my life are always created by my thoughts, right? That's how it is in my business. That's how it is with my help. That's how it is with my money. That's how it is and my feelings about God and my spirituality, like every area of my life, the results I get are created by my thoughts. And so, I knew that my sexual life, like my relationship, that the experience I was having that was being created by my thoughts as well. And I knew that it could be different. And so, I hired a coach and I worked for like about six months just on this area of my life with her and really like was able to change so much about my experience, and I was really able to change so much in my experience.

And I want to share some of the thoughts that I learned through that experience. I want to kind of like open your mind and have you start to examine what do I believe and what do I want to believe? And I want you to be super patient with yourself as you do that. Just like I was saying about watering it with self self-compassion, like when I heard my coach, I sort of felt broken and like I just wanted to get to a place where I was fixed. I just want to get to a place where I wasn't broken any more. And, you know, I could just be like, like, confident in my sexuality and like, you know, feel really good about it, and I was in a real hurry to get there. And like that hurry made me frustrated and made me want to like quickly change things. And over and over, my coach kept telling me, like, you are not broken, you are not broken, you're just learning here. And you have all the time in the world to learn about yourself and your pleasure and your sexuality, you do not need to be in a hurry. There is nothing wrong with you.

And so, I really want you to also keep that in mind as you go to do this work. You do not have to be in a hurry. There is nothing wrong with you and whatever results you're getting in this area of your life, it's just created by your thoughts, most of them, and probably you've gone your whole life without examining them, and that is not a problem. And what we want to do today is just start to notice them, just to start to put some attention on them.

And one of the ways that you can first start to do this is just ask yourself, like, what are my main emotions when I think about my sex life? What are the main emotions that come up for me? And that can be an indication of what you're thinking and the quality of your thoughts, right? So, at the time that I heard my coach, I felt a lot of shame. I felt a lot of frustration, I felt a lot of hopelessness. And like, I didn't really know what I was thinking about all of that, but I knew that I felt these feelings and I felt them a lot. And so, I just want you to just, like, gently ask yourself, like, what am I feeling most often? And just know that all of those feelings are coming downstream of your thoughts. And so, if there if you aren't feeling the way you want, then you just know, oh, there's some work to do here and I can change things. And that's also really hopeful, if it's created by your thoughts, then you have the power to change it. You have way more power than you think you do.

I think that's one of the myths that I would like to dispel with our sexuality is so many times we feel powerless. We're like, well, this is the body I got. I'm a woman, I don't know, it's really tough, it's really hard, I don't really get it, I don't know, I think so. And we just feel so powerless. But when we know, like I have more power here than I thought I did, and it's going to come down to the way I think it makes you so hopeful, okay? So, it's just so good to know that my experience and my feelings are not created by my partner. They're not created by my body. They are not created by my gender. They are created by my thoughts. And honestly, that's one of the like the best news that I can give you.

So, I want today to give you some other thoughts to consider that I think can give you a different experience when it comes to your sex life. And if you want that to be different, if you want it to be better, I would really encourage you to look at what your current thoughts are and really just like, what am I willing to shift? What am I willing to believe? What am I willing to like give up? And what am I willing to start believing in order to change that, okay?

The first thought that I want to offer you is that you deserve pleasure and kind of the companion thought with that is that pleasure is good. You deserve it and it is good. I like to remember that my capacity for pleasure is actually a gift from God, that it comes from Him and that like my female body, like the way I receive pleasure, that is the only function of those parts of my body, and that's how I know that God really intended me to have pleasure because he like created the possibility for me and for each one of us who identify as female, and that that is not by accident. That is not a mistake, that in fact, we are designed for pleasure and you deserve to have it. So, for a really long time I just thought, well, I am a girl. I can't have as much pleasure as my husband, right? And that is not true. For a long time I just thought it's too hard to get pleasure and it's just not worth it, and I don't, like, deserve it. It's like, too big of a hassle. That is not true, okay? You deserve it, and it's good. And I also just along with that, I just want you to know that while you deserve it and while it is good, it doesn't necessarily mean that we know how to have it in our bodies.

You are not supposed to just come as the expert in your pleasure. It takes learning. It takes experimentation. It takes practice it. Takes getting to know you and you are on a journey of learning and that journey is 100% personal. Your pleasure is personal. Your body is different than anybody else's. And you get to understand and learn how you receive pleasure. You cannot do this wrong, right? It is just getting to know yourself. And it is a practice that you get to like nurture and enjoy and cultivate for your entire life. Your pleasure is going to change over the course of your life, and you just get to continually learn about yourself. When you know that you deserve it and that it is good, then you can actively take the action in your life to figure it out and to create more of it. Okay, so just notice that coming from that thought that I deserve pleasure and pleasure is good, then I'm not going to be stuck in shame and frustration, but instead I'm going to be empowered to understand and find my own pleasure.

Now, some of you may already be feeling some resistance to this thought, and I just want to offer you that most of us, you know, did not grow up in, like, super sexually positive environments. And like, especially with purity culture, it was just kind of like, okay, we're not going to talk about it and we're not going to think about it until you're married, and then you're just supposed to know exactly what you're doing. I think that's ridiculous, it takes some learning and some growth. And sometimes, like, we even expect our partner to know what he's doing. And like my husband and I like, we were both like brand new to sex when we got married and neither one of us knew what we were doing. And you have to allow yourself to do some learning and some growth. And just because it's not automatic doesn't mean you don't deserve it and it doesn't mean it isn't good. So, I really encourage you to be patient and loving as you go to find the pleasure that you deserve. And just know that you get to create your own values and thoughts around sex. Like the things that you have been taught and told may not be the values that you want to keep. So, and your values can be different than anybody else's as well. Like, you get to decide, do I value my pleasure? Do I think it's good? You get to create that value in your life if you want, okay?

The second thought that I want to give you that was really useful to me and I hope will be useful to you is the thought that you are not broken. So, what we often see portrayed in the media, in books and movies like the story that we get all the time, is that sex is easy and natural and pleasure is easy and natural and like climax is easy and natural, and that if it's not that way for you, that you are broken. And I just want you to know that what is being portrayed is usually the exception, not the rule. And even if it was the rule, it doesn't matter if it's a different experience for you, it doesn't make you wrong. We live in a culture that is very like male centric and is portrayed like the male centric view of sex. And that is not necessarily and in fact, that is not usually the same way that women receive their pleasure. And so I just want you to know that it's like yours doesn't look like, you know, Top Gun, we just watched that movie, like there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. And the more you can know that, the more permission you give yourself to learn about your experience, the way you receive pleasure, and making that right.

And if you aren't getting the results that you want right now, it's not because you're broken again, that's all just coming downstream of your thoughts. Like when I started working with my coach, I had so many negative thoughts about like who I was as a woman and that like there was something wrong with me and it was just so powerful to know like, no, there isn't, right? There is a good reason I don't have the results I want right now, but it doesn't mean it has to stay that way forever. And just because my experience is different than anybody else's doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it either.

This next one, I think I've kind of talked about it already, but I just want to say it explicitly that you can have as much pleasure as anyone else. It's not reserved for somebody else. It's not reserved for other people. It's not reserved for people, you know, who are different than you have different bodies than you who have different like hormones or different sex drives or different levels of desire. It's like, no, you can have as much pleasure as anyone else. And it's not a problem if you don't understand how to do that yet. Again, we're going to just like allow ourselves to like understand ourselves, learn about ourselves and have compassion and curiosity all along the way, right? And I just want you to remember that like it is available to you. You are not a special case like so many times is.

Like I was going on my journey, I kept thinking like, well, surely I should have figured this out by now, so, maybe I am a special case. Maybe it doesn't work for me, right? Like, and my coach kept telling me, like, you don't know how far you are from figuring it out. Like, you think you should be there already, you shouldn't be. You haven't figured it out yet, and that's not a problem. And it's sometimes we just get so frustrated that we're just like, okay, I guess it's just not for me. I'm just I'm out instead of deciding, like, of course it is, I just haven't yet and I just have to keep moving towards it, right? Like as just like we do in any goal in our life. And so, like it's just a practice of getting to know myself and my coach kept telling me over and over like, What do you have to lose? All you're doing is get to know it. Getting to know yourself better, understand your body better, understand like what you enjoy, what is delightful, what brings you pleasure. Like you have nothing to lose by like having this be a long journey like this can just be like, enjoyable. If you don't think like if you don't believe that, you're never going to figure it out like that thought I'm never going to figure it out. That's what made it frustrating. Otherwise, like, you could, you know, really get to know yourself forever. So, I just want you to throw out that thought that you aren't going to figure it out, or that it's not for you, because it certainly is okay.

And it's just a commitment to learning about yourself and understanding that that's totally normal. We all have to do it. We all have a body. We all have to learn about ourselves. And there's an awesome sex therapist that I follow named Kristen Hodson. And she said, like, whether it's talking to our kids about sex, talking to our partner, about our sex relationship or improving the quality of our own sexual experience, it's all a series of skills that we can develop and practice. None of this happens by way of a magical download, and I really want to emphasize that you are just building skills like you are allowed to develop and practice. You're developing skills for your own sexual pleasure, okay? And so, I want you to have compassion for yourself along the way and understand like it's not supposed to just come into a magical download just because like, oh, we're married now, here's the download, right? Like it's just a series of skills and you can like understand that like every person is entitled to develop those skills and they aren't just reserved for certain people.

All right, the next thing that I want to offer you, the next thought I want to offer you is the power in taking responsibility for your own pleasure. So, sometimes in in our sexual relationship, we want to blame our partner or we want to blame maybe the culture we grew up in or we want to blame something else outside of us. And I found that the most useful thing for me was to say, like, if this was all up to me, what would I need to do to get the results that I want? Like, really putting the responsibility back on me for my pleasure. It's my job to know how I receive pleasure, and it's my job to create that. And that means I can talk to my partner about it. Of course, I can talk to David about it, but it's ultimately like either I need to take care of or I need to talk to him about it or, you know, but it's on me to understand it. And that is so empowering because it totally removed so much resentment and frustration in my relationship.

So, I really liken this to like even emotionally, when I first came to thought work like I removed so much frustration and resentment in my marriage when I started taking responsibility for my emotional experience. When I started recognizing like he is not in charge of creating my emotions, I am. He is not in charge of like making sure I am happy. He's not in charge of making sure that I'm content or that I feel love or that I feel important. All of that is my job. And when I took responsibility for my emotional experience, like our relationship got so much better. Like I when I was giving it to him to take care of my emotional responsibility, I was giving him a job he could not do. And in so many ways, my sexual relationship was the same way. I was like giving the job to him, and it isn't his job. My pleasure is always my job. And that is so powerful to know. And I really want to offer that to all of you and, it will alleviate so much pressure, and so much frustration in your relationship when you know, like, okay, this is my job, what do I need to do, right? And what do I need to say? What do I need to like, create what you know, what do I need to communicate even?

So, I think that's really important to know, like I'm in charge of my pleasure. And along with that, I really want you to consider that like you are the expert in your own pleasure. Like nobody else knows except you. And if you don't know, then it's your job to figure it out. But you are the expert and you are the expert, even as you're learning. I, like so many times, her brain wants to be like, I don't know. I don't know how I get pleasure. I don't know. And I'm like, No, I'm the expert. Even as I'm learning, I can just ask myself simply, does that feel good? Yes or no? Like, I'm the expert. It's can be that simple.

The last thing that I want to say and of course, this is not like the final word on sex, right? Like there's so much to think about and explore. And this is just I just want to open the door for you and start to, like, have you explore. Like, could my experience benefit from some thought work? But the last thought that I want to give you is that climax is not the goal, right? Pleasure is when we think there is only one goal, we can like create a lot of pressure around that and we can have a lot of frustration. And so for me, I had to take a lot of pressure off the destination like that it wasn't worth it unless I got somewhere, and I had to put my focus on pleasure. Ironically, as soon as I take my focus off of that, like I have to have an orgasm to make this worth it. Like as soon as I take my focus off that, and the pressure of that, like it becomes so much easier, right? So, it's this way in every area of your life, like when it needs to look a certain way otherwise we don't like it and we were rejecting it like we miss out on so much, right?

So, I really want to offer you that like to really concentrate on focusing on your pleasure, what feels good, and not just like in a sexual way. But I started to notice like what feels good in all the areas of my life. Like, I started noticing how good a hot shower feels. I notice, like, how good the sun felt when I sat outside on my porch and ate lunch. And, like, I just started noticing, like, what feels so pleasurable? Like, when David comes home, when he rubs my back, like you can find pleasure in the smallest, tiniest things, and you want to just sort of like, open your radar to it about like how good your life can feel in so many areas and really like making that your goal. And it's really important that you remember that your brain is your biggest sex organ, right? And pleasure is always an option when I'm like concentrating on that goal on pleasure rather than climax. And so, I really want you to like think about like, how can I use my brain to, like, notice and pursue pleasure as the goal itself?

Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. Obviously, this is just the beginning, right? There's so much, like, good that can come out of exploring our thoughts about our sex lives. And I really want you to just kind of ask yourself, like, what do I believe right now? What are the thoughts right now? And what are they creating for me? What how do I feel? How does that influence the actions I'm taking? How does that create the results? And do I want to keep those thoughts? You are not obligated to keep anything in your life in this area or any other, right? You get to decide. You get to choose for yourself, what thoughts do I want? And the way that I determine that is I look at what it creates when I believe this. What does that create? And it's no different in this area of your life. So what do I believe right now and what do I want to believe? What are the what are the thoughts that I want to plant that are going to grow up and create the kind of fruit that I want in my life? If you want help with this, I would love to coach you on it. You can sign up for a free coaching call any time. We can talk about this or any other day of your life where your thoughts are getting in the way of what you want to create, that's what I do, I help you create a life you want by intentionally choosing what you want to think. I want you to know that your pleasure was designed by God and it is good, and you are entitled to as much of it as you want. And that, my friends, is 100% awesome, I love you, and I'll see you next week.

Thanks so much for joining me on the podcast today. If you want to take the things I've talked about and apply them in your life so that you can love your Earth life experience. Sign up for a free coaching session at Aprilpricecoaching.com. This is where the real magic happens and your life starts to change forever. As your coach, I'll show you that believing your life is 100% awesome is totally available to every one of us. The way things are is not the way things have to stay. And that, my friends is 100% awesome!

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