Episode 98: Loving Your RelationshipsJun 07, 2021
Our relationships are one of the most important aspects of our earth life experience. But for most of us, if we don’t currently have the relationships we want, it feels somewhat out of our control. But that is only because we don’t understand that our relationships are created entirely by the way we think.
I spent years struggling in my relationships. This all changed when I found coaching and learned three important things: our pain is always caused by our thinking and not other people’s behavior, it’s no one else’s job to make us happy, and love is not supposed to be easy. These ideas changed all my relationships and allowed me to love in ways I was never able to before.
In this episode, I interview my husband to get his perspective on how our relationship and our family life changed when I changed the way I thought about the people I love and the way I thought about myself. Coaching changed the way I experience my relationships and the amount of love I feel in my life—and it can do the same for you!
Episode Tools and Questions
Our capacity to manage relationships is a wonderful yet incredibly challenging aspect of our human experience. The way we relate to our spouses, children, and ourselves may seem separate, but they’re interconnected by one common factor: our brain. And our brain can often come up with all kinds of thoughts that contribute to our relationships in ways we don’t want.
In this podcast episode, I welcome a special guest - my husband David. We provide two perspectives on our relationship and speak from the heart about the challenges we’ve faced in our marriage. We agree that our relationship has grown and deepened significantly as a result of thinking new thoughts, and I want to show you that your life can be transformed in the same way.
A lot of us feel that we have to change the other person for our relationships to improve, but this isn’t the answer. Today, I’m also sharing 3 fundamental principles will improve any relationship you have.
1. The only thing that causes our pain is our thinking.
We aren’t ever mad or frustrated or hurt because of what the people in our life do….we are made or frustrated or hurt because of what we think about what they do. This means they don’t have to change for you to feel better.
2. No one else has the power to make you feel happy.
No one else has the power to make you feel anything. And so often we give the people we love the job of managing our emotional life….whether its by the things they say or the things they do or the ways they behave and show up. But it is never their job. Managing our emotional lives is always our job because we are the only ones that can do it.
3. We think love should be easy and it's not and it’s not supposed to be.
We think that if the relationship is "right" it should be easy, but we are 100% wrong about that. Relationships are made up of real humans. They are 50% amazing and 50% not. But this is the whole point. We can to learn to love. And that means our curriculum will include plenty of moments where it’s hard to love. We aren’t supposed to be perfect at loving.This is the work we came to do and it is work worth doing.
Mentioned on the podcast:
My group coaching program: Made for More
Welcome to the 100% Awesome Podcast with April Price, you might not know it, but every result in your life is 100% because of the thought you think. And that, my friends, is 100% awesome!
Hello, podcast universe! Welcome to episode 98 of the 100% Awesome Podcast. I'm April Price and I'm so happy to have you out there listening to the podcast today. I have a very special episode for you today. I have invited my husband David on to the podcast to talk about relationships, specifically our relationship, our marriage, our family relationships, and even my relationship with myself, and how coaching has impacted all of that, and just like impacted our lives. And there is nobody who has a better perspective than David on how coaching has changed me, and my life and all of my relationships. My life today, and my relationships today, are so different than the life I lived for over 20 years of our marriage. And I think maybe when I tell you that you really don't believe me, right?
You're just like, yeah, sure, okay. Like you don't believe how hard it was for me to love, and to learn to love. And even in the very best of circumstances with the sweetest husband on the planet, it was still really hard for me. And I I think you'll get the picture from David today, and the massive change that coaching gave me in the way that I think about him, the way that I think about our children, and the way that I think about myself.
So, before we get into that, I just want to give you some fundamental principles, or thoughts that will improve any relationship you have. Now, obviously, I think that coaching with me is the best way to create the relationships you want, because I will help you change your thinking. And that is really the only thing between you, and the love that you want to experience in your life. But I do want to give you some thoughts today that you can apply right now. And the first thing that I want you to know is that the only thing that causes our pain ever is our thinking, okay? We aren't ever mad, or frustrated, or hurt because of what the people in our life do. We are mad, or frustrated, or hurt because of what we think about what they do, okay? This means that they don't have to change for you to feel better. If you think about what they do differently, you can feel any way that you want. I spent so many years of my life thinking that the people in my life, the people in my relationships, were creating my pain, causing my pain and frustration. And the difference now is not that I don't have frustration or pain, okay? The difference now is that I know the true source of my pain is always my own thoughts. And this then gives me the ability to solve for my pain, and frustration without needing them to change. It's kind of miraculous.
And that leads me to the second principle, or thought that I want you to understand, and that is that no one else has the power to make you feel happy. No one else has the power to make you feel anything. And so often we give the people we love the job of managing our emotional life, of making sure that we are happy, right? Whether it's by the things they say, or the things that they do, or the ways that they behave, and show up in our in their lives, it is never their job. Managing our emotional lives is always our job because we are actually the only ones that can do it. And it is always done in the chambers of our own brain, okay?
And the last thing that I want you to know is that we think that love should be easy, and it's not. And not only is it not easy, but it's not supposed to be. I think we think it sounds easy, and we think that if the relationship is right, and everybody in it is doing what's right, then it should be easy. But we are 100% wrong about this. Relationships are made up of real humans who, just like the rest of life, are 50/50, right? They are 50% amazing and 50% not. We are 50% amazing, and 50% not, okay? But this is the whole point, we came to learn to love, and that means that our curriculum will include plenty of moments where it's hard to love. We aren't supposed to come perfect at loving, and we aren't supposed to enter into relationships that are easy to love in, that isn't why we came. The work we came to do is to learn to love in any circumstance, and that is work worth doing. It is the work that we are doing in every relationship we have, okay?
So, the only thing causing our pain ever is our thinking, and we're in charge of that. No one else has the power to make you feel happy, it's not their job. And love is not supposed to be easy, it is the work we came to Earth to learn to do. Now on to the interview. I hope that you will listen and hear how much change these three principles, or thoughts have created in my life. They changed my whole life, and every relationship I have. So here we go!
April: Okay, honey, welcome to the podcast! Are you happy to be here?
David: I can't believe I'm on the podcast.
April: Here you are.
David: I can't believe we're in a closet.
April: Yeah, people don't know this, but I record the podcast inside the kids' closet. I sit, I've upgraded from the floor to a chair, but David wouldn't fit in there with me, so today we are in the storage closet. Just covered in blankets. And here we are.
David: Yeah, 100% awesome from the closet."
April: Yeah, it's the place to be. So, as I was preparing for this, I was reminded of that time that we got called to do like a mock family council in front of the stake for like stake conference. And our kids had to come, and perform and we had to do it, and we had to pretend like we were having a family council in front of the stake. And our son, was like, "Why did they ask us? We're the worst."
David: That's probably why they asked us so we could get better.
April: And this kind of reminds me of that. Like, why are we telling you guys about relationships? Because we're kind of the worst. But here we go. We're going to share...
David: Work in progress.
April: Yeah, exactly. Okay, so before we get started to talk about relationships, I do just have to ask you one thing that I think everybody is curious about, and that is, does it bother you that I tell so many personal stories on the podcast?
David: No, I love it. That's what I love about you. You're so raw, and real. You just tell it like it is. And that's what I love about you. And that's I think it's good for people to hear the raw, real truth of real life.
David: You're good sport. He's never had a problem with me sharing anything because he's such a good sport about it. Okay, so and then, of course, I'm sure people want to know if it's as awesome being married to me as it sounds.
David: One hundred percent.
April: Okay so yeah, that's what we're going to talk about today. And I didn't really prep David at all, he kept saying like, "Well, what am I going to say? What are you going to ask me?" And we're just going to go off the cuff because I think that's and just kind of speak from the heart. So, I thought it might be really good for all of my listeners to hear about how coaching has improved my relationships. And instead of just me talking about the things that I've learned, or the principles, and theories, and that kind of stuff. But to hear from you from your perspective, as somebody who has lived with me and seen me like change, and grow, and evolve over the years in our relationship with each other. And then, my relationship with the kids, even with my relationship with myself, and kind of my relationship with God. Somebody who has kind of walked beside me, and watched that. To kind of get your perspective on it. So, I thought we could share it with everybody. So, thanks for being here, and being a good sport about it. Okay so I thought I would start by just talking about what I saw as like some of the turning points. So, and the first one I think that I got pretty early on was that I didn't need you to make me feel better.
April: So the way I say this all the time, of course, on the podcast is that, like, I stopped needing you to solve the fall for me, right? And when we got married, I inscribed David's ring with a phrase that said, "Welcome to Heaven" on the inside of his wedding ring, right? And because I thought it would be pretty much Heaven to be married to me, obviously to each other. But really, I did, I did think that marriage would be mostly happy. I did think that marriage would be mostly Heaven, mostly joyous, right? And that love would just be easy, and that it was kind of supposed to be. And then like real life wasn't like that, right? And I think I spent a lot of our married life early on thinking like that you were the problem. And that like you needed to solve my unhappiness.
David: That I needed to make you happy.
David: It was my job.
April: Yes, totally. And so, I just wondered what it was like for you to be responsible for my happiness.
David: Wow, that's a good question. So, I totally remember when you gave me the wedding ring that said, "Welcome to Heaven." And I remember, you know, the day we were married. And just how in love and bliss it was.
April: Mm hmm.
David: And then, we had all these little babies, and that was super, super, super hard.
David: Having these babies and seeing you suffer so much, bringing the babies in to this world and just the miracles that we have children, because you're a cancer survivor. So, we have our four miracles. And then just life is 50/50, and I think back then you don't go into it knowing it's going to be 50% hard and really hard, and 50% joyous and good. And then, I think it was hard when I felt like that was my job to make you happy.
David: All the time. And make sure it's 100% awesome, and 100% good, and happy all the time. And it wasn't.
David: So, a lot of times it felt like this, I can't, I can't make you happy all the time, like it's impossible.
April: Yeah. Totally it is. It's impossible for each of us to make our partners happy, right? And there's this kind of like this family joke, my sister-in-law can do my voice really perfectly, and she does this voice where I'm always like "David!" She would like to do this at family gatherings, because that's what it always was like. I was always just like, I'm unhappy, and it's your job to fix me. And it just is so difficult to have a really the relationship you want when it's set up like that. Okay, so then, I came to coaching, of course, and I figured out that I am the only one who can create my own happiness, right? It's kind of like that old story that Will Smith tells about his wife, and he went to his wife one day and he was like, "Hey, Jada, I'm retiring." Right? "I'm retiring from trying to make you happy, and I'm going to give you that job and see if it's even possible." Right? And that's what it comes down to, is that, like, I am the only one that could do that job, it was never your job to do it, and it was unfair to put that on you. And so, I kind of want you to talk a little bit, if you can, about like when things started to be different.
David: Yeah. I mean, definitely when you were going through the Life Coaching School, and started applying the principles. I think you just started having these revelations, like, that's my job.
David: Like that's my job to and I can find my own happiness now. And I'm the one that feels it. No one else, when I'm angry, no one else feels that anger.
David: Or no one else was as upset as me. I make it myself based on what I'm thinking and I make myself feel these feelings. No one else is feeling them. And I could choose a different way.
00:13:29:01 - 00:13:29:16
David: I could always choose love. I could always choose, you know, thoughts that would make me happy.
David: And feel good about myself. And so, yeah, you totally could see a switch where you just became a lot more happy and confident. And, you know, I'm taking ownership in charge of my life and what I accomplished, what I do, and my relationships, and being a safe place to land, whether it's for me, or for the kids. You always approach everyone with love as opposed to maybe you like, your job is to make me happy.
David: And your job is to make me feel better about myself as a mom, about myself as a wife, or about myself as a bishop's wife. And I know like all these things maybe you felt not happy about, right?
April: Yeah. Well, I think for me, like, I just really I wanted to love I just didn't know how and I didn't know it was up to me. I felt like, oh yeah, it would be easy to love these people if they could behave in a certain way, right? And I just didn't understand that love was created by my thoughts, and that made the biggest difference for me. So, just to like kind of follow up on what you said there about my relationship with the kids, you know, being a mom was one of those things that like, to be honest, I was nervous about from the beginning. Like I remember like when we had Caleb, I remember like a couple of months in being like, "Oh, my gosh. Like, I actually like this and I enjoy this and I might be good at this, right? And then we got a few more, and they started to get older. And I feel like, oh, wait, maybe I am not good at this, and maybe I'm failing at this. And I spent a lot of my early motherhood years feeling like I was failing. I don't know if you have any, like, thoughts about that you wanted to share.
David: Yeah. I mean, one, you're an amazing mother. To when they were little, at all ages. But it seemed like you felt like if they weren't happy or if they were struggling, or they're just experiencing Earth life that's 50/50.
David: And they have their free agency, and they're learning and growing. But somehow you would own that.
David: You'd own their sadness, your own, their problems. Like somehow it was a reflection on you as a mother, which they're just another human being, having a 50/50 life experience, and learning their agency, and learning to grow, and develop. So yeah, I would see you really struggling with them. Specifically, some of that were maybe not as happy.
April: Yes, for sure. When they weren't just happy it was very difficult.
David: Or when they were depressed.
David: That was, I think, hard. Or you felt like you were failing as a as a mom. As opposed to just loving them.
David: For who they were. And they're supposed to be sad if they're sad.
April: Yes, totally. That was the biggest switch for me is to allow them to have their experience. And then, I think like I got really good at that, about like really allowing them to have their experience, and like and then like, almost we sort of switched roles where now I don't worry at all, you sort of worry. Like when Olivia was in China, and I was just like, oh, whatever.
David: And I'm like she's going to get abducted. She's getting into a van. She flew across the country, get in a van and she can't speak Chinese, and she doesn't know where they're taking her. That's a problem. But you didn't think it was a problem.
April: And then I had felt like, okay like whatever is supposed to be will be, and she's going to have the exact experience she needs. And so where I went from one I don't want to say one extreme from to another, but I used to worry about everything. And now I really don't. I don't at all. Do you think that's true?
David: I think that's true. I think they're empowered. They're having their life experience that they're supposed to have, and we love them regardless. And you're always a soft place to land. And I think like you have like an amazing relationship with each one of our children, as a result of it.
April: Yeah, I think so. And I think the two thoughts that really helped me were that my only job is to love them.
April: And to teach them what's important to me. But then they're going to decide what they learn, right? And then, the second one was that like they are supposed to suffer. And I know that sounds like almost counterintuitive as a mother that we would like to protect our children from suffering. We would like to control them so they don't have suffering. But when I could understand that they were supposed to suffer, it released so much like need to control things.
David: Yeah. I mean, I think it's just like a Heavenly Father who sends his children to Earth, he gives us free agency, and he expects us to have a 50/50 life experience, and we're going to learn by failure. That's how you learn, that's how you grow.
David: And then, he gives his grace, and his love always, for us to grow and develop. And if we can, you know, just give give that love, unconditional love to our children, and love them for who they are,, and love them for their choices and know that they will experience hard things in life. That's just life. Yeah. And that's part of their life experience to learn and grow. For themselves.
April: Yeah, totally. And as many of you know, like our children, three of them have already left home, they're young adults. And the thing that I think most often when I'm talking to them is that I don't have to fix this. I don't have to fix this. Like it's okay that they suffer. And I just keep that in the back of my mind all the time so that I can just listen to them, understand them, and never need to, like, go in there and fix it for them.
David: And just love them.
April: Yeah, totally love them. Okay, the last one I wanted to talk about, and kind of combine this with my relationship with God, but I think it was so tied into my relationship with myself. And one thing that I remember always being married to you, all those years, the thing you would always tell me is "April stop being so hard on yourself. Why do you have to be so hard on yourself."
David: Over and over and over again.
April: Yeah, right? I can't even think how many times you told me that. And I just felt like I have to be hard on myself there’s so many things wrong with me. Like I don't know any other way to be, right? And I think that is probably one of the greatest gifts that coaching gave me. As to understand how to love all of me as I am, and that loving me was the only way ever to really change. And I just want to know, like, I kind of have in my mind where that switch happened for me, but I just kind of get like to get your perspective on it. And the difference that being able to, like, love all of me, or more of me at least, what that difference that has made kind of in all our relationships?
David: I think when you went to Spokane, you had a week to go to the Life Coaching Program.
April: Yeah, it was Jody Moore's program.
David: And you just been, I think, listening to coaching that this is even a year before Life Coach school, right? This is the very beginning, but I remember you came back a different woman. You came back like more in love with yourself as opposed to having all this shame. And, like, I'm not good enough. I'm not using my potential. I've been given all this potential and I'm squandering it and selling yourself this negative story. All the time, like you're trying to I don't know what, what it is trying, and have this negative talk to try and make you be better. But then when you came, and flipped it, instead of hating yourself to improve, you loved yourself to improve. I just kind of believed in yourself, and loved yourself. We're all trying to do our best. And I think you just had a different perspective that you could just love who you were and you just were so much happier.
April: Yeah, I agree.
David: And you, like me, became a new person. Accomplished amazing things.
April: Yeah, for me that was really the turning point. And, and what I came away from that experience thinking is that like I, you know, I kind of fell in love with myself in that week.
David: I remember. And then, you loving yourself, gave you so much more love to give to others.
David: Because you were filled up, you just were filled with love. So then, you had so much more grace and love and a soft place for everyone around you.
April: Yeah, and that experience really changed my relationship with God as well. And I think that they're tied together so tightly. Like, I just really our thoughts about God are always a projection, right? There, always, because he's not here speaking directly to me. It's always a projection of what he thinks of me, right? And so, if I think these disappointing negative thoughts about myself, I sort of project them onto God and like, he doesn't think about me in the same way. And he doesn't think about any of us in the same way, right? And I I think that if I could get my listeners to understand anything is that they can love themselves as they are, and God's love for them is so infinite and eternal, and he always approves of exactly where you are.
David: That's the number one thing that I've felt through the four years of being a bishop is just how much my Father loves his children. He just loves them so much. He loves them like infinitely and eternally. And each of them, each of us have so much potential, and worth. And our worth isn't diminished by our choices of what we do, the worth is always great. And he's always quick to forgive, always quick to extend grace and mercy, and just he just loves each of us so much. And so, if we can catch that view of ourselves, that just helps us to do great things in life. If we're able to see ourselves as how God sees us.
April: Yeah, absolutely. Okay so just to like ask a couple of questions about that same thing is that like when I came to you and said, Hey, I want to go spend this 5,000 dollars on coaching, do you remember what you thought?
David: I was like, go for it. Do you remember?
April: Yeah. I mean, it's I've always been supportive of me. So, like every time I'm like, hey, I'm thinking of spending a whole bunch of money on this thing. You're like, OK, whatever, right? But I just am curious about that investment for you?
David: Oh, such a great investment. I've always said that. I always thought this investment is going to be so worth it for our posterity. If it's not going to bless anyone, it's going to bless our posterity. It's going to bless our children. It's going to bless our grandchildren, our future daughter, and sons, in-laws. It's going to bless our posterity, and help coach them, and help them see this mortal journey. So that's that sounds like this is worth that for our family.
David: If anything else.
April:Yeah, totally. And like, we kind of have this running joke when the kids come, and they're like, I need some coaching I need some help, right?
David: And I need coaching, you've coached me a lot.
April: And I'm always like, I'll just like whisper in his ear and I'll say, "Did you get your investment? Was it worth it?"
David: Totally worth it. Yeah. Even for me when I need to be coached.
April: Anything else you want to share with the listeners, like what do you know about me that they don't know, that you think they should? I mean, I'm pretty transparent.
David: I think they know they probably already know that your blog, website, its title was called The Two Regrets. That the majority of our marriage was it was very prominent. Your two regrets. And now you've transformed into not having regret. Not regretting not living the life that you want.
David: Where you lived that way for so long, and now you're living the life that you want, and that God wants, and you know to be your best version of you. Striving to improve.
April: Yeah, and mostly the life I want was a life with love, like, yeah, I get to do all these fun things, but it's the relationships I have was what I really wanted and which will go with us, you know, beyond this Earth life. Just so you like, the listeners know, so yeah, I had this blog called "The Two Regrets," and the kids always joke like which one of us is the two regrets?
David: I know like am I the regret? Which decision do you regret?
April: nBut for me, the two regrets were always that I didn't love the way I wanted to, and that I didn't like use my talents the way I wanted to. And I felt like I had come to Earth, and I kind of blown both things. It's interesting that you brought that blog up, I forgot about it.
David: I think the coaching has solved both those problems. You don't have those two regrets anymore. You're loving how you want to love. And you're using God's talents to bless the lives of many.
April: Yeah, it's true. I had forgotten about that, but that's exactly, those were my two. And I do feel like that coaching has made such a difference for our family. It's made such a difference in our relationship. It's made such a difference in the way that I think about you, and what you're supposed to do in this whole relationship. And, you know, I'm not perfect. I still have my moments. As you know, you can tell, you can say. But I mean, that's true for all of us. We're just having a human experience. But I feel like I have way more knowledge and skills to be able to live the life I want.
David: No more regrets.
April: Well, thank you so much for being on the podcast, for loving me and for supporting me through all of this. You are such an awesome husband and I love you.
David: I love you so much. And if anyone's listening, you can write a review because I love to read the reviews at the dinner table. That is something that's true, I do like to read all the reviews and I always tell April, "Hey, you got another review."
April: Okay, thanks for throwing that in there.
Okay, isn't he awesome? I told you, I hope that that was helpful for you in some way. If anything, you got to hear from my cute husband, and know that for sure, as my mom used to say, "April, like, if you ever get divorced, I'm going to be on his side." I know. I totally get it, right? So, I just want every one of you to know that if your relationships are not what you wish they were, it can be better. I spent so many years, as you heard, in regret, in not loving the way that I wanted to, and not knowing how to be different, how to love differently. And it was always in my power. It was always within me to get what I wanted. And it is the same for you. The relationships that you want are just on the other side of the thoughts you are thinking right now.
And if you want help thinking differently and changing those relationships forever, for now, and for eternity, I could show you all the tools in my coaching program, and I would love to coach you and help you. It will change your life. It is the whole reason that I am a coach, because my life was so fundamentally changed, as you heard, and I want other people to have that same experience. I spent so many years just miserable. I went to counseling, I went to therapy. I got counseling for my kids trying to change them, and help them. And I remember once braiding my daughter's hair, we were in the bathroom and I had this thought to tell her how much I loved her. And I remember like not being able to say those words, and looking at myself in the mirror thinking like I didn't know how to love, and I hated myself for it. I spent so many years angry at David, believe it or not, as sweet as he is, laying in bed next to him, upset while he slept, and then just like numbing myself out like all night long, watching hours, and hours of QVC.
It’s like you guys, I can't even tell you how painful my brain was making things and how prickly that made me to the people that I loved most. And then to listen to David talk on this podcast and hear him talk about how I am a safe place to land. And believe me, I did not tell him to say that. But several times as I was editing the interview, I noticed that phrase. And I am just in utter at the changes that have occurred because I took a chance on my own ability to change and I tried coaching for myself.
I will always be so grateful that I learned how to manage my mind and use my agency to love in the ways that I wanted to. And I just want you to know that the real. Relationships that you want are one hundred percent available to you by simply changing how you think. And that, my friends, is one hundred percent awesome.
I love you for listening. And I'll see you next week.
Applications for my group coaching program made for more are now open at https://www.aprilpricecoaching.com/madeformore . Your brain was program for survival, but you were made for more than that. You were made for more love and more accomplishment and more joy right now. And I can show you the simple way to get all of that. Join me in Made for more where we will spend six months coaching and reprogramming your brain so that you can get the most out of this life. And the next go to https://www.aprilpricecoaching.com/madeformore to apply. And I'll see you there.
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