We all have feelings. Positive ones. Negative ones. Meh ones.
But we are often very judgmental of the negative ones.
The other day I had new photos taken for my website. I felt insecure and vulnerable and inadequate about everything. My clothes, my hair, my makeup, my smile, my wide-set eyes. Everything.
And then I was mad at myself for feeling insecure and vulnerable and inadequate. I thought that I shouldn't feel that way. I should enjoy the experience. I should be happy with me as I am. I shouldn't feel bad.
At the end of the photo shoot my photographer said, "You did so good. No one likes having their photo taken. It's so vulnerable."
When she said that, I realized that if everyone feels vulnerable then it must be okay. Maybe there was nothing wrong feeling this way.
And suddenly, I realized how judgmental I had been of my negative feelings.
Of course it was okay to feel how I...
Sometimes your brain is a jerk.
It never notices all the things you do right.
It never acknowledges what is working and where you are successful.
It just spends all its time and energy focused on what's gone wrong.
Which is awesome for keeping you alive. But less awesome for making you feel good.
It turns out that celebrating your successes and directing your brain to notice what is working is your job. I hope this helps you do that more often!
P.S. Just because your brain only sees the worst in you, doesn't mean you have to believe it. Sign up for a coaching consultation and I'll show you a whole new way of looking at yourself.
I was talking to a client this week who had a thought: I'm really bad at communicating and I just can't explain things well.
I asked her how that thought made her feel. She said it made her feel incompetent, which she hated.
I asked her, "Why would your brain choose that thought?"
She couldn't think of a reason. I said, "Right now, your brain is choosing to think you're a bad communicator because, as bad as incompetent feels, it's better and safer than another feeling you could feel. What's worse than feeling incompetent?"
Then she saw it.
"Rejected," she said. "If I feel incompetent then I don't have to try to explain. I don't have to tell other people my ideas and then they can't reject what I'm saying. They can't argue or disagree with me or think negatively about me."
There it was: her brain would rather feel incompetent than rejected.
Your brain always has a good reason for thinking what it thinks.
It chooses to think...
Most people think that if they could change and be "better" or fix things and be different, then they could feel better about themselves or their life.
But it never works.
We try and try, only to find more things "wrong" with us.
It is very disappointing to figure out that no matter what we do or change in our life, our brain still notices the negative.
We don't have to change anything to feel better about ourselves—we just have to stop believing our brain. I hope this video will help you do that.
P.S. This doesn't mean we can't change if we want—but we can't ever do it to feel better. Sign up for a free coaching session if you want some personal help with this.
The other day a client reminded me of a clip from Bob Newhart’s show in which a patient came to him with a fear of being buried alive in a box. Bob’s solution for his patient was simple: “Stop it.”
Bob’s patient asked him what he meant by that. He said, “I mean, stop it. Stop being afraid of being buried in a box. That sounds terrifying.”
The patient agreed, “Well, it is.”
“Well then, stop it!”
Why isn’t it this simple for us? When we have behaviors that we don’t like, why can’t we just “stop it?” Especially when it’s making our life harder. Why is it so difficult to “stop it?”
I have a project I have been procrastinating. Every day I tell myself to stop it. Stop procrastinating. Figure it out. Decide. Stop stalling. And telling myself to "stop it," isn’t getting me anywhere.
Telling ourselves to “stop it” never works.
And that’s because what we...
The highest, holiest part of you longs to progress.
The rest of you just wants to be comfortable.
This tension between discomfort and comfort is always inside us, asking for our vote.
What's it gonna be?
Our brain wants us to choose comfort, but comfortable keeps us the same. If we want something different in our lives, we've got to steal what we want from our comfort. I hope this video will help you do that!
Do you ever get overwhelmed by how many things there are to fix about you?
I recently noticed that my kitchen cabinets were looking a little ragged, with chipped paint and worn edges. I thought about having them repainted, but they are a little dated and I thought maybe I should just replace them altogether.
But if I'm going to redo the cabinets, I really want to update the backsplash as well.
And while at it, it's way past time to get a new stove top. Two of the burners on my stove don't work, but my repairman told me it couldn't be fixed and this model is no longer available for sale.
I couldn't find any new stovetops that fit the current hole cut in my granite countertop, so replacing the stove means replacing the countertops as well.
And then my brain says, "Well, if we're going to redo the countertops, we should maybe just take out that whole wall and move the kitchen to the other side of the room."
But is that a...
We love a good action plan, don't we?
We always think we need to do more, or do it in the right way, or do it the way other people are doing it.
But way more important that what you do, is what you think.
It's the difference between just going through the motions, and really creating the results you want in your life.
See what I mean in this video. I hope it helps!
On Saturday, I was on my last circuit at the gym and my brain did not want anything to do with it. It started negotiating with me, trying to get me to stop. It said, "It doesn't matter anyway."
On Sunday, as part of my spiritual practice, I spent the day fasting and praying. And again, my brain did not want anything to do with it. It kept trying to talk me out of it. "It's not going to matter anyway."
Earlier in the week, my brain offered me similar thoughts about my business goals.
No matter what I'm doing, if it involves any kind of discomfort, my brain likes to tell me that it doesn't matter.
And truthfully, it doesn't.
I can live a life without exercise. I can skip the last circuit. I can live a life without a spiritual practice. I can opt out of fasting and praying and connecting with God. None of it matters to my survival.
And it doesn't even matter when it comes to my worth either.
No matter what I do or don't do, it...
I just want to tell you that you are amazing.
You are succeeding at so much. You are helping and growing and becoming in all the ways you are supposed to. You are loving so well. You are handling your human experience and the specific challenges of this year so beautifully. You are magnificent.
And just because your brain probably hasn't told you that, doesn't mean that it isn't true.
It's just that your brain isn't programmed to notice or believe or remember compliments.
But you can change that! I hope this video will help you do that.
P.S. We can't change our brains, but we can supervise them—and that changes everything else in our life! Come try coaching and I'll show you how.